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The very worst of it was that as soon as she got back to Moscow; it all seemed like a dream: the silk Charmeuse teddy she had swooned over; the magnificent Martha brought to life by Elizabeth Taylor; the endless pizza and Cokes; the equally endless curious minds; the shocking music and even more shocking clothes; the young man at the Cambridge party who had loved her from afar; who had dared to kiss her; who had said to her; / had no way of knowing; all were swept away on the gray tide of minutiae that was her daily life。
A dream; that's what it had bee。 She would dream…when she was released from the recurring prison nightmare…of Cambridge; and would awake weeping; as if it were as lost as Camelot or as mythic as Avalon。
So painful had this sense of loss bee that even Irina's feelings for Mars could not quench them; sex with Valeri was an inadequate opiate; and; more and more often; she would seek the only solace she had ever known; kneeling before the altar at the Church of the Archangel Gabriel。 There she prayed for guidance; and for some measure of peace which she now suspected was beyond her。
And then; one evening in the midst of a sleety rain that had driven them off the slick Moscow streets; the miraculous occurred。 Natasha said; 〃Do you know that my greatest moment on the stage came not in Moscow; not in Russia at all; in fact; but in the United States。 I was asked to perform at Lincoln Center in New York City。 Do you know it?〃
〃I've never been to New York City;'' Irina said with her heart in her mouth。 She knew this was the time to mention Boston; but she could not。
They were in Praga; a restaurant on Arbat Square。 It was a touristy place; so the food was good; and because the owners knew Natasha; the service was; too。 Irina stared out the windows at the people hunched over; hurrying along the rainswept street。 She found; to her utter amazement; that she felt no connection with those people。 It was as if she were now separated from them all the time by this plate…glass window; as if she were here; safe and dry; while they were there; cold and wet。
But if they were here in Moscow; she asked herself; then where was she? hi some kind of terrible limbo or purgatory; serving out her sentence in the prison that barred even the moon。
〃Katya?〃 Natasha put a hand over hers。 〃What's the matter? You look as white as winter。〃
Irina's depression was so intense that she pletely forgot who Katya was and; for an interminable moment; stared blankly into Natasha's concerned face。
〃Katya?〃
〃Yes; yes;〃 Irina said; breathing again; in out; in out; everything quite normal now; and yet not normal at all。 〃I'm fine。 I 。 。 。 don't know what came over me。 For a moment I was so dizzy。 It's passed now。〃
〃Nevertheless;〃 Natasha said firmly; 〃it's a glass of starka for you; my girl。 And; for God's sake; eat。 You haven't touched a thing。〃
Later; after the plates were cleared and the strong; dark tea had been served; Natasha said; 〃America is such an unusual place。 How I wish you could see it! So filled with delicious sights; sounds; tastes。 Quite naughty; really。〃 She chuckled。 〃There was; for instance; the divinely decadent French bustier I wore the night that Texas financier and I…〃 She stopped abruptly; waved a delicate hand。 〃But; no; I think I've already shocked you quite enough for one evening。〃
〃I don't think I'm easily shocked。〃
Natasha laughed。 〃Oh; but of course you are! You're such a naif; Katya。 After all; education in this country is so appallingly primitive。 In some ways; I'm afraid we're still not much better than all those third…world countries we're always professing to help。 It often seems to me that we're the ones who need assistance。〃
Natasha sipped her tea。 〃Let me tell you something; darting。 When I was in New York I met Edward Albee。 He had e to watch me perform。 Can you imagine? My God; what an opportunity! And do you know what? I made the most of it。 I'd be damned if I was going to talk with one of the most brilliant theater minds of this century while my flock of KGB babysitters was hovering all around; eavesdropping。
〃I took Albee; and we ducked away; lost them all。 What I learned from him I could never have gotten from thirty years with my Russian acting teacher。 He spoke in truths。 His language was a kind of music that I seemed to absorb through the pores of my skin。 I felt as if I had never before been alive; had never known what it was to don a persona and walk out on the stage。 He showed me how to speak not only his words; but all words。〃
Natasha poured herself more tea and; as she stirred in the sugar; her eyes shone with an inner light。 〃We talked all night。 What a risk; darling; but what else could I do? It was hell to pay; I'll tell you; when I got back to the hotel。 But who cares? I have a guardian angel who watches over me。〃 Irina wondered whether that guardian angel was Valeri。
〃My whole point;'' Natasha continued; ''is your rage。 It was my acting teacher's point of view that rage is frustration stifled。 The older I get; the more I am inclined to agree with him。'' She took Irina's hand。 〃Your rage is such that; sooner or later; you will be unable to control it。 Then it will boil over and; well; who knows what the consequences might be?
〃That night in New York City; Edward Albee showed me what I was meant to be。 And that knowledge has made me a different person。 He opened up the world to me…not only his world; but mine。
〃Oh; darling; don't you see what I'm saying?〃 She searched Irina's eyes。 〃One day you will meet your Albee; and he will change your life utterly。 The answer for you is to seize your moment as I did mine。 You must say to yourself; 'Damn the risks!' and plow straight ahead。 Believe me; there is a time to consider the consequences; and a time to ignore them。 Do you understand me; Katya?〃
〃You have no idea how frustrating it is;〃 Mars said to Irina two nights later; ''knowing that somewhere out there the leaders of White Star are going about their daily lives…and I can't get to them。〃 He turned to her。 〃Have you gotten any leads?〃
〃Not yet;〃 Irina said。
They were in Mars's apartment on Vosstaniya Square。 It was very late at night。 The streets were deserted。 Every so often a military truck or troop carrier would rumble by。
Irina thought; I even miss the traffic in Cambridge; the blasting rock 'n' roll; the kids swinging their hips; laughing; drinking their Cokes; eating their pizzas。 These days; hardly an hour passed without some memory of Cambridge surfacing like a fish through the ice; appearing like a specter; pulling her further and further from her own world。 There was a tautness inside her; like a steel cable singing with vibration。 It was always with her; disconnecting her further from everyone and everything around her。 Once she had even found herself unable to breathe; as if she were stuck in a black; airless place。
Irina felt guilty; having indulged her appetite for friendship rather than exploiting the closeness that had developed between her and Natasha Mayakova。 But what was she to make of her relationships with Mars and Valeri? She had no idea now what she felt for either of them。 She felt as if she could not now exist without them; as if they…and Natasha…were her only lifelines。 She loved and hated them at the same time; not yet understanding that her sense of them was distorted by the turmoil writhing inside her like a live thing。 She felt trapped on the other side of the mirror; in a place where there were no signposts to tell her which way to go or how to feel。
The situation seemed far too plex for her to untangle。 She was in over her head; and now she appeared to be drowning in an alien sea beyond her understanding。
Mars grunted。 〃Perhaps my trust in you is misplaced。〃
〃Don't say that。〃
〃Isn't it true? I have given you everything you wanted; false papers; a private car; leave from your work when you need it to careen around God only knows what sections of Moscow。 And for what? Have you anything to show for it? 〃
Irina thought; I have all these things from Valeri; too; but I can never let Mars know that; I won't ever give up an ounce of my power over these men。 But I want to give Mars something; I know he's counting on me; and I don't want to disappoint him。 I have to stop procrastinating; I can give him Valeri because; after all; it's Valeri Mars is interested in; Valeri and his hunt for the nationalist dissidents of White Star。 Yet still she hesitated; as she had during the weeks she had followed Valeri and Natasha。 She did not want to be sent back to her unutterably boring job; her previous drab existence; she knew she could never bear that now。 Yet she lacked the courage to plunge all the way into her new exciting life。
Mars was studying her carefully。 〃As I thought;〃 he said; as if he were passing sentence on her。 〃I think you should return to your job at the Ministry of Education。〃 He shrugged; clearly disappointed。 〃Too bad。 Under the circumstances; it would have been extremely helpful if you had made some progress。 I have made an excellent beginning at finding the leaders of White Star; but now I need to move faster because there seems to be some sort of deadline now where White Star is concerned。〃
〃What do you mean?〃
Mars's face; in the warm lamplight; was a patchwork of shadow。 〃I have learned there is a major counterstrike being mounted against the nationalist group by the KGB。〃
''What kind of counterstrike?''
〃I don't know;〃 Mars said。 〃That sort of information is classified; even for me。 And if I began to ask questions or pull in favors; I'm afraid I would attract the wrong kind of attention。 If Valeri Bondasenko should hear…〃
〃What does Bondasenko have to do with this KGB initiative?〃 Irina asked。
Mars said; 〃Valeri Denysovich is KGB。〃
〃You must be mad;〃 Irina said。 She thought she was going to throw up。 KGB! No! It couldn't be! 〃Everyone knows who Valeri Denysovich is。 His career is an open book; deliberately so。〃
〃Yes; most deliberately so;〃 Mars agreed。 〃But have you ever wondered why? Let me explain something to you。 Two years ago the head of the KGB came out in the Congress of Peoples' Deputies as saying that his organization should follow the American СIА model and be regulated by the Congress。 Consequently; the KGB's modus operandi has had to change。 Now the KGB does; indeed; operate like its American counterpart。 On the surface it pays lip service to the constraints put upon it by political mittees; while clandestinely going about its business as usual。
〃It's the same KGB that it always was; Irina。 It will take more than perestroika to change the KGB。 The only difference is that now its chief operatives work behind efficient smokescreens。 Like Valeri Denysovich Bondasenko。''
Irina shuddered。 My God; it was her worst nightmare e true。 The icy winds of Siberia; the bars over the moon; her country as one huge prison; everything。
Mars reached over; leafed through the report he had been reading。 He came to the page he wanted; showed it to her。 ''You needn't take my word for it。〃
And there it was; typed across the page。 Irina was holding an original document; stamped with the red Cyrillics of the Polit…buro master files she had occasionally seen on some of the other documents Mars had left lying around。
…Valeri Denysovich Bondasenko; Colonel; Second Chief Directorate; Komitet Gosudarstvennoi Bezopasnosti; is hereby granted the authority to create and/or redesign a Department to be under his control。
This Department; here in after referred to as Department N (funds for which see Appendix B: Special Appropriations) will consist of approximately 1600 people; including administrative personnel。
The Chief of Department N shall report directly to the Chief of the KGB。 The Chief of Department N shall have powers including; but not limited to; the selection of personnel from other Departments within the Second Chief Directorate; access to all sections of the KGB master files; including those 〃Limited Distribution〃 dossiers under the control of other Directorates; the ability to call upon the advice and services of personnel within all other Directorates; at his discretion; he may mandeer any and all hardware he deems necessary from the Border Guards Directorate 。