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t plead insanity and live。〃
〃I saw that crime scene。 It didn't look like a vampire did it。 It looked more like a shapeshifter； but 。。。 but the marks were wrong。〃 I shook my head。 〃It was vicious； a vicious animal。〃
〃Oui； and so I locked him away and hoped that you would e home to us； or sense his plight。 At first I did nothing to block him from reaching you but you did not e。〃
〃I didn't know。〃
〃You knew that Damian was yours； and yet you did not ask about him。 You cast him away。〃
〃I didn't know；〃 I said； again； each word tight with anger。
〃And I had no choice； Anita。 I had to put him away。〃
〃Do you think the insanity is permanent？〃
He shrugged； arms still hugging his body。 〃If you were a vampire and he your vampire child； I would say no。 But you are not vampire； you are necromancer； and I simply do not know。〃
〃If he stays that crazy 。。。 〃
〃He will have to be destroyed；〃 Jean…Claude said； voice soft。
〃I didn't mean for this to happen。〃
〃Nor did I。〃
We stood there for a few moments while I thought about everything and Jean…Claude either thought about it； too； or just stood there。 〃If all you're saying is true； then you had no choice；〃 I said。
〃But you are still angry with me。 You will still punish me for it。〃
I glared up at him。 〃What do you want me to say？ That knowing you've shoved him in a box for six months takes the sparkle out of our relationship？ Yeah； it bothers me。〃
〃Under normal circumstances you would rescue Damian and avoid me for a time until your anger cooled。〃
I nodded。 〃Yeah； that's about right。〃
〃But you will need me； ma petite； in these first few nights。 You will need another vampire with the same hungers to teach you control。〃
〃Can't live with you； can't live without you； is that it？〃
〃I hope your anger cools before you need my help again； but I fear it will not。 Remember this； ma petite； that the ardeur is not bound by morals； or even by your preferences。 If you fight it long enough； hard enough； you will eventually give in； and it will be out of your control who it chooses。 So do this one thing for me； if you cannot forgive me right away； keep always by your side either Nathaniel or the Nimir…Raj。 Not for my sake； but for yours。 For I think； of the two of us； I would forgive you sooner for sleeping with strangers than you would。〃
We pretty much left the conversation there。 I found Asher and had him confirm the story。 Hell； I waited for Willie McCoy to climb out of his coffin and heard the story from him。 Damian had gone ape…shit and killed a couple that apparently hit him with their car。 The man had gotten out to check on whoever they hit。 They had hurt him and Damian struck out； killing the man。 But the woman 。。。 he'd climbed into the car after her。 We might have to kill him； because I hadn't understood what my magic meant to Damian。 I hadn't understood a lot of things。
I drove out in the soft summer dusk with Nathaniel riding beside me。 It had been a very long day。 I was going to go home and pick up Rafael and the wererats； and Micah and his pard。 He'd left a number at the shapeshifter hospital； and I'd called for it。 I almost didn't call； but we needed backup tonight。 My embarrassment was a small price to pay。 If I had been in contact with Jean…Claude and Richard for the last half year； I probably could have talked Richard out of doing all the shit he'd done to his pack。 I'd e home to try and reestablish a relationship； or two； but I was mostly cleaning up the mess that my absence had made。 Richard might be dead at the full moon； and Jacob； Ulfric。 Damian might be permanently crazy and have to be destroyed。 The couple that had hit him with their car would have been alive if I'd known what the hell my magic was doing。
I'd avoided a lot of Marianne's teachings because it was too much like pure witchcraft for my monotheistic beliefs； but I knew now that I had to understand how my powers worked。 I couldn't afford to be squeamish。 God kept telling me I was okay with Him。 I wasn't evil。 But at some level I didn't believe it。 At some level I thought that witchcraft； raising the dead； wasn't very Christian。 If God was okay with me doing it； then what was my problem？ I'd prayed about it often enough and gotten the answer more than once。 The answer was to do it； that this was what I needed to be doing。 If God was for it； then who was I to question it？ Look where my arrogance had gotten us。 Two dead； one crazy； and if Richard lost the pack 。。。 there'd be a lot more dead。
I felt a quietness inside me as I drove。 Usually the touch of God is golden and warm； but sometimes when I've been really slow and not picked up on what He's wanted for me； I get this kind of quiet sadness； like a parent watching a child learn a necessary hard lesson。 I'd never once prayed to God about Richard and Jean…Claude not about who to choose anyway。 It just hadn't seemed right to ask God to help me choose a lover； especially when I thought I knew who He'd pick。 I mean vampires are evil； right？
But driving through the falling darkness； feeling His soft presence fill the car； I realized that I hadn't asked because I'd been afraid of the answer。 I drove and I prayed； and I didn't get an answer； but I knew He heard me。
20
IT WAS FULL dark when we pulled up in front of my house。 Almost every light in the house was on； like I was giving a party and no one had bothered to tell me。 The driveway was full and overflowing onto the road。 One of the reasons I'd rented the house was because I had no near neighbors to get caught up in whatever crisis I was having。 My crises usually involved gunfire； so no neighbors to get hurt had been my primary requisite in a house。 There was no one around to peek out a window and wonder what the hell was going on next door。 Just trees and the lonely road； neither of which cared what I did。 Or at least I didn't think the trees cared； though Marianne might tell me I'm wrong on that one。 You never know。
I ended up parking quite a ways down from the house； with nothing but trees on either side of the road。 I turned off the engine； and Nathaniel and I sat in the dark； listening to the engine tick。 He hadn't said much since I came back out of the bathroom at Jean…Claude's nothing at all on the forty…minute drive here。 But then； neither had I。
I'd left Jean…Claude in a huff with a firm date to e back tomorrow night and get Damian out of hock。 It wasn't just Damian locked away all these months that made me not want to be with Jean…Claude； it was that he had finally changed me into one of the monsters。 I already knew that sex with him bound the marks closer； but now that the marks were married 。。。 what would sex do to us now？ How much closer could the marks bind us all？ Was it just changes with Jean…Claude； or did I have mystical surprises ing up tonight with Richard； too？ Chances were likely； and Jean…Claude really had no clue what the surprises might be。 He didn't know what he was doing。 He really didn't。 Since I didn't know what the hell I was doing either； and Richard had no clue。 That left us in a bad place。 I'd call Marianne tomorrow on the theory that one magic is much like another； but until then I was on my own。 Big surprise。
Of course； I wasn't exactly alone。 I looked across the front seat at Nathaniel。 He looked back at me； face peaceful； hands in his lap； seat belt still in place。 He'd pulled his hair back into a thick braid； leaving his face very plain and unadorned。 In the moonlight his eyes looked pale gray； instead of their usual vibrant violet。 Without the hair or the eyes showing； he looked closer to normal than I'd ever seen him。 He was suddenly a person sitting across from me； and I realized with a shock that I didn't really think of Nathaniel as a person。 Not as a grown…up separate human being kind of person anyway。 He was more a burden than a person to me。 Someone to be rescued； helped。 He was a cause； a project； but not a person。
The heat began to press in around the Jeep。 If we sat here much longer I'd have to turn the air conditioning back on。 If Jean…Claude was right； then I'd had sex with Nathaniel earlier tonight。 I was hoping Jean…Claude wasn't right； because I still considered Nathaniel a child； an abused child。 You took care of them； you did not have sex with them； not even if they wanted you to。
My breast was aching； faintly； from his teeth marks。 We'd shared a bed so often that it felt odd when he wasn't beside me。 But I still didn't see him as a grown…up。 Sad； but true。
〃Jean…Claude is pretty sure that the ardeur is well fed enough that it won't be an issue for the rest of the night；〃 I said。
Nathaniel nodded。 〃You won't need to feed again until you've slept for a few hours。 Jean…Claude explained it to me； a little。〃
That pissed me off。 〃He did； did he？〃
He shook his head。 〃Anita； he's worried about you。〃
〃I'll bet。〃
〃You really aren't going to sleep at the Circus tonight； are you？〃
〃No；〃 I said。 I was sitting back in the seat with my arms crossed over my stomach。 I'm sure I looked as stubborn as I felt。
〃And when you get up tomorrow； what then？〃 His voice was very soft in the hot； dark car。
〃I don't know what you mean。〃
〃Yes； you do；〃 he said。
I sighed。 〃I don't want to do this； Nathaniel。 I don't want to have Jean…Claude's incubus inside me。 I'd rather be Nimir…Ra for real than have to feed off of others。〃
〃And if you're both？〃 he asked； voice even softer。
I shrugged； arms still crossed； but hugging me more than being stubborn now。 〃I don't know。〃
〃I'll be there for you； Anita。〃
〃Be where？〃 I looked at him。
〃Tomorrow； when you wake。〃
〃What else did Jean…Claude tell you while I was running around trying to find out about Damian？〃
Nathaniel's gaze never wavered； never changed。 He wasn't embarrassed or bothered in the least about the conversation。 〃That he wouldn't hold a grudge if you had real sex with me。〃
I studied his face。 〃You don't consider what we did today sex？〃 I made it half…question； half…statement。
〃No；〃 he said。
〃I don't either； but 。。。 〃 I was glad it was dark； because I was blushing； but damn it I wanted someone else to answer this question。 〃I know why I don't think today was actual sex； but why don't you？〃
He smiled and did look away。 He answered looking down at the floorboard。 〃What we did the first time with you marking my back； that was closer to real sex for me。〃
〃So it was the dominance/submission thing？〃
〃No；〃 he said； still looking down。 〃If we'd really needed the condoms； then it would have been sex。〃
〃You mean intercourse；〃 I said。
He nodded； still not looking at me。
〃That's how I feel too。 Jean…Claude said I was fooling myself。〃
Nathaniel flashed me a small smile； then went back to staring at nothing。 〃He told me I was being very American； very male； and very young。〃
〃You are American； male； and twenty；〃 I said。 〃What else are you supposed to be？〃
He looked at me for a moment； then looked away again。 He was definitely unfortable now。
〃What else did Jean…Claude say？〃 I asked。
〃You'll be mad。〃
〃Just tell me； Nathaniel。〃
He shrugged； the thin straps of the tank top showing most of his shoulders as he did it。 〃He's hoping you'll choose me as your pomme de sang。 He said he mentioned it to you。〃
〃He mentioned it。〃
〃Can I undo the seat belt？〃 he asked。
〃Be my guest。〃
He let the belt slide to one side and turned so he was facing me； one leg drawn up into the seat； his braid curled over one shoulder。 〃Jean…Claude said that the more you fight the ardeur the stronger it grows； but if you feed when it first arises； then it's not such a big deal。〃
〃He told me；〃 I said。
〃He's afraid you'll try and tough it out tomorrow without him。 He's afraid you'll fight it all day； then only give in when you have to。〃
〃Sounds like a plan to me；〃 I said。
Nathaniel shook his head。 〃Don't be tough on this one； Anita； don't fight。 I'm afraid of what will happen if you do。〃
〃What； I'm supposed to roll over tomorrow morning and fall into your arms？〃 I couldn't keep the sarcasm out of my voice； though it brought a hurt look to his face； and made me want to apologize。 〃It's nothing personal； Nathaniel。 It's not you； it's having to do it that I don't like。〃
〃I know that。〃 He lowered his face