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spoke a damned good line about personal rights and freedom； that is； if you could stay awake to listen。 I thought him a brooder。
The Senate went mad with impatience when he refused to make decisions。 They didn't want to make the decisions！ But all this seemed relatively safe。
Then a horrible incident occurred which made me positively detest the Emperor wholeheartedly and lose all my faith in the man and his ability to govern。
This incident involved the Temple of Isis。 Some clever evil man； claiming to be the Egyptian god Anubis； had enticed a highborn devotee of Isis to the Temple and gone to bed with her； fooling her pletely； though how on Earth he did it I can't imagine。
I remember her to this day as the stupidest woman in Rome。 But there's probably more to it。
Anyway； it had all happened at the Temple。
And then this man； this fake Anubis； went before the highborn virtuous woman and told her in the plainest terms that he had had her！ She went screaming to her husband。 It was a scandal of extraordinary flair。
It had been years since I had been at the Temple； and I was glad of it。
But what followed from the Emperor was more dreadful than I ever dreamed。
The entire Temple was razed to the very ground。 All the worshipers were banished from Rome； and some of them executed。 And our Priests and Priestesses were crucified； their bodies hung on the tree； as the old Roman expression goes； to die slowly； and to rot； for all to see。
My Father came into my bedroom。 He went to the small shrine of Isis。 He took the statue and smashed it on the marble floor。 Then he picked up the larger pieces and smashed each of them。 He made dust of her。
I nodded。
I expected him to condemn me for my old habits。 I was overe with sadness and shock at what had happened。 Other Eastern cults were being persecuted。 The Emperor was moving to take away the right of Sanctuary from various Temples throughout the Empire。
〃The man doesn't want to be Emperor of Rome；〃 said my Father。 〃He's been bent by cruelty and losses。 He's stiff； boring and pletely in terror for his life！ A man who would not be Emperor cannot be Emperor。 Not now。〃
〃Maybe he'll step down；〃 I said sadly。 〃He has adopted the young General Germanicus Julius Caesar。 This means Germanicus is to be his heir； does it not'？〃
〃What good did it do to the earlier heirs of Augustus when they were adopted？〃 my Father asked。
〃What do you mean？〃 I asked。
〃Use your head；〃 said my Father。 〃We cannot continue pretending we are a Republic。 We must define the office of this Emperor and the limits of his power！ We must outline a form of succession other than murder！〃
I tried to calm him。
〃Father； let's leave Rome。 Let's go to our house in Tuscany。 It's always beautiful there； Father。〃
〃That's just it； we can't； Lydia；〃 he said。 〃I have to remain here。 I have to be loyal to my Emperor。 I must do so for all my family。 I must stand in the Senate。〃
Within months； Tiberius sent off his young and handsome nephew Germanicus Julius Caesar to the East； just to get him away from the adulation of the Roman public。 As I said； people spoke their minds。
Germanicus was supposed to be Tiberius's heir！ But Tiberius was too jealous to listen to the crowds screaming praise of Germanicus for his victories in battle。 He wanted the man far from Rome。
And so this rather charming and seductive young general went to the East； to Syria； he vanished from the loving eyes of the Roman people； from the core of the Empire where a city crowd could determine the fate of the world。
Sooner or later there would be another campaign in the North； we all figured。 Germanicus had hit hard at the German tribes in his last campaign。
My brothers vividly described it to me over the dinner table；
They told how they had gone back to avenge the hideous massacre of General Varus and his troops in the Teutoburg Forest。 They could finish the job； if called up again； and my brothers would go。 They were exactly the kind of old…fashioned patricians who would go！
Meantime there were rumors that the Delatores； the notorious spies of the Praetorian Guard； pocketed one…third of the estate of those against whom they informed。 I found it horrible。 My Father shook his head； and said； 〃That started under Augustus。〃
〃Yes； Father；〃 I said； 〃but then treason was considered a matter of what one did； not what one said。〃
〃Which is all the more reason to say nothing。〃 He sat back wearily。 〃Lydia； sing to me。 Get your lyre。 Make up one of your ic epics。 It's been a long time。〃
〃I'm too old for that；〃 I said； thinking of the silly； bawdy satires on Homer which I used to make up so quickly and freely that everyone marveled。 But I jumped at that idea。 I remember that night so palpably that I cannot tear myself loose now from the writing of this story； even though I know what pain I must confess and explore。
What does it mean to write？ David； you'll see this question repeated； because with each page I understand more and more … I see the patterns that have before eluded me； and driven me to dream rather than live。
That night I did make a very funny epic。 My Father laughed。 He fell asleep on his couch。 And then； as if from a trance state； he spoke； 〃Lydia； don't live out your life alone on account of me。 Marry for love！ You must not give up！〃
By the time I turned around； he was breathing deeply again；
Two weeks later； or maybe it was a month； our life came abruptly to an end。
I came home one day； found the house pletely empty except for two terrified old slave men … men who actually belonged to the household of my brother Antony … who let me in and bolted the door ferociously。
I walked through the huge vestibule and then into the peristyle and into the dining room。 I beheld an amazing sight。
My Father was in full battle dress； armed with sword and dagger； lacking only his shield。 He even wore his red cloak。 His breastplate was polished and gleaming。
He stared at the floor and with reason。 It had been dug up。 The old Hearth from generations ago had been dug up。 This had been the first room of this house in the very ancient days of Rome； and it was around this Hearth that the family gathered； worshiped； dined。
I had never even seen it； We had our household Shrines； but this； this giant circle of burnt stones！ There were actually ashes there； uncovered。 How ominous and sacred it appeared。
〃What in the name of the gods is going on？〃 I asked。 〃Where is everybody？〃
〃They are gone；〃 he said。 〃I have freed the slaves； sent them packing。 I've been waiting for you。 You have to leave here now！〃
〃Not without you！〃
〃You will not disobey me； Lydia！〃 I had never seen such an imploring yet dignified expression in his face。 〃There's a wagon out back； ready to take you to the coast； and a Jewish merchant who is my most trusted friend who will take you by ship out of Italy！ I want you to go！ Your money's been loaded on board the ship。 Your clothing。 Everything。 These are men I trust。 Nevertheless take this dagger。〃
He picked up a dagger from the nearby table and gave it to me。 〃You've watched your brothers enough to know how to use it；〃 he said； 〃and this。〃 He reached for a sack。 〃This is gold； the currency that all the world accepts。 Take it and go。〃
I always carried a dagger； and it was in the sling on my forearm but I could not shock him with this just now； so I put the dagger in my girdle and took the purse。
〃Father； I'm not afraid to stand by you！ Who's turned on us？ Father； you are Senator of Rome。 Accused of any crime； you are entitled to a trial before the Senate。〃
〃Oh； my precious quick…witted daughter！ You think that evil Sejanus and his Delatores bring charges out in the open？ His Speculatores have already surprised your brothers and their wives and children。 These are Antony's slaves。 He sent them to warn me as he fought； as he died。 He saw his son dashed against the wall。 Lydia； go。〃
Of course I knew this was a Roman custom … to murder the entire family； to wipe out the spouse and offspring of the condemned。 It was even the law。 And in matters such as this； when word got out that the Emperor had turned his back on a man； any of his enemies could precede the assassins。
〃You e with me；〃 I said。 〃Why do you stay here？〃
〃I will die a Roman in my house；〃 he said。 〃Now go if you love me； my poet； my singer； my thinker。 My Lydia。 Go！ I will not be disobeyed。 I have spent the last hour of my life arranging for your salvation！ Kiss me and obey me。〃
I ran to him； kissed him on the lips and at once the slaves led me through the garden。
I knew my Father。 I could not revolt against him in this final wish。 I knew that； in old…fashioned Roman style； he would probably take his life before the Speculatores broke down the front door。
When I reached the gate； when I saw the Hebrew merchants and their wagon； I couldn't go。
This is what I saw。
My Father had cut both his wrists and was walking around the household hearth in a circle； letting the blood flow right down onto the floor。 He had really given his wrists the slash。 He was turning white as he walked。 In his eyes there was an expression I would only e to understand later。
There came a loud crash。 The front door was being bashed in。 My Father stopped quite still。 And two of the Praetorian Guard came at him； one making sneering remarks； 〃Why don't you finish yourself off； Maximus； and save us the trouble。 Go on。〃
〃Are you proud of yourselves！〃 my Father said。 〃Cowards。 You like killing whole families？ How much money do you get？ Did you ever fight in a true battle。 e on； die with me！〃
Turning his back on them； he whipped around with sword and dagger； and brought down both of them； as they came at him； with unanticipated thrusts。 He stabbed them repeatedly。
My Father wobbled as if he would faint。 He was white。 The blood flowed and flowed from his wrists。 His eyes rolled up into his head。
Mad schemes came to me。 We must get him into the wagon。 But a Roman like my Father would never have cooperated。
Suddenly the Hebrews； one young and one elderly； had me by the arms and were carrying me out of the house。
〃I vowed I would save you；〃 said the old man。 〃And you will not make a liar of me to my old friend。〃
〃Let go of me！〃 I whispered。 〃I will see him through it！〃
Throwing them off in their polite timidity I turned and saw from a great distance my Father's body by the hearth。 He had finished himself with his own dagger。
I was thrown into the wagon； my eyes dosed； my hands over my mouth。 I fell among soft pillows； bolts of fabric； tumbling as the wagon began to roll very slowly down the winding road of the Palatine Hill。
Soldiers shouted at us to get the hell out of the way。
The elderly Hebrew said； 〃I am nearly deaf； sir； what did you say？〃
It worked perfectly。 They rode past us。
The Hebrew knew exactly what he was doing。 As crowds rushed past us he kept to his slow pace。
The one young one came into the back of the wagon。 〃My name is Jacob；〃 he said。 〃Here； put on all these white mantles。 You look now like an Eastern woman。 If questioned at the gate； hold up your veil and pretend you do not understand。〃
We went through the Gates of Rome with amazing ease。 It was 〃Hail David and Jacob； has it been a good trip？〃
I was helped aboard a large merchant vessel； with galley slaves and sails； nothing unusual at all； and then into a small barren wooden room。
〃This is all we have for you；〃 said Jacob。 〃But we are sailing now。〃 He had long wavy brown hair and a beard。 He wore striped robes to the ground。
〃In the dark？〃 I asked。 〃Sailing in the dark？〃
This was not usual。
But as we moved out； as the oars began to dip； and the ship found its proper distance and began to move South； I saw what we were doing。
All the beautiful Southwestern coast of Italy was well lighted by her hundreds and hundreds of palatial villas。 Lighthouses stood on the rocks。
〃We will never see the Republic again；〃 said Jacob wearily； as though he were a Roman citizen； which I think in fact he was。 〃But your Father's last wish is fulfilled。 We are safe now。〃
The old man stepped up to me。 He told me that his name was David。
The old man apologized profusely that there were no female attendants for me。 I w