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less friendly to the world。 She wore a bangle of charms on her wrist and in her ears little gold rings。 Her light coat revealed an inch or two of flowered silk； skirts were short in those days； and her legs； stretched forward to the controls of the car； were spindly； as was also the fashion。 Because her sex was the palpable difference between the familiar and the strange it seemed to fill the space between us； so that I felt her to be especially female； as I had felt of no woman before。
'I'm terrified of driving at this time of the evening；' she said。 'There doesn't seem anyone left at home who can drive a car。 Sebastian and I are practically camping out here。 I hope you haven't e expecting a pompous party。' She leaned forward to the locker for a box of cigarettes。
'No thanks。'
'Light one for me； will you？'
It was； the first time in my life that anyone had asked this of me； and as I took the cigarette from my lips and put it in hers； I caught a thin bat's squeak of sexuality； inaudible to any but me。
'Thanks。 You've been here before。 Nanny reported it。 We both thought it very odd of you not to stay to tea with me。'
'That was Sebastian。'
'You seem to let him boss you about a good deal。 You shouldn't。 It's very bad for him。'
We had turned the er of the drive now； the colour had died in the woods； and sky；。and the house seemed painted in grisaille； save for the central golden square at the open doors。 A man was waiting to take my luggage。
'Here we are。'
She led me up the steps and into the hall； flung her coat on a marble table； and stooped to fondle a dog which came to greet her。 'I wouldn't put it past Sebastian to have started dinner。'
At that moment he appeared between the pillars at the further end； propelling himself in a wheel…chair。 He was in pyjamas and dressing…gown； with one foot heavily bandaged。
'Well； darling； I have collected your chum；' she said； again with a barely perceptible note of contempt。
'I thought you were dying；' I said； conscious then； as I had been ever since I arrived； of the predominating emotion of vexation； rather than of relief； that I had been bilked of my expectations of a grand tragedy。
'I thought I was； too。 The pain was excruciating。 Julia； do you think； if you asked him； Wilcox would give us champagne tonight？'
'I hate champagne and Mr Ryder has had dinner。'
'Mister Ryder？ Mister Ryder？ Charles drinks champagne at all hours。 Do you know； seeing this great swaddled foot of mine； I can't get it out of my mind that I have gout； and that gives me a craving for champagne。'
We dined in a room they called 'the Painted Parlour'。 It was a spacious octagon； later in design than the rest of the house its walls； were adorned with wreathed medallions and across its dome prim Pompeian figures stood pastoral groups。 They and the satin…wood and ormolu furniture； the carpet； the hanging bronze candelabrum； the mirrors and sconces； were all a single position； the design of one illustrious hand。 'We usually eat here when we're alone；' said Sebastian； 'it's so cosy。'
While they dined I ate a peach and told them of the war with my father。
'He sounds a perfect poppet；' said Julia。 'And now I'm going to leave you boys。'
'Where are you off to？'
'The nursery。 I promised nanny a last game of halma。' She kissed the top of Sebastian's head。 I opened the door for her。 'Good Night； Mr Ryder； and good…bye。 I don't suppose we'll meet tomorrow。 I'm leaving early。 I can't tell you how grateful I am to you for relieving me at the sick…bed。'
'My sister is very pompous tonight；' said Sebastian； when she was gone。
'I don't think she cares for me；' I said。
'I don't think she cares for anyone much。 I love her。 She's so like me。'
'Do you？ Is she？'
'In looks I mean and the way she talks。 I wouldn't love anyone with a character like mine。'
When we had drunk our port； I walked beside Sebastian's chair through the pillared hall to the library； where we sat that night and nearly every night of the ensuing month。 It lay on the side of the house that overlooked the lakes； the windows were open to the stars and the scented air； to the indigo and silver； moonlit landscape of the valley and the sound of water falling in the fountain。
'We'll have a heavenly time alone；' said Sebastian and when next morning； while I was shaving； I saw from my bathroom window Julia； with luggage at her back； drive from the forecourt and disappear at the hill's crest； without a backward glance； I felt a sense of liberation and peace such as I was； to know years later when； after a night of unrest； the sirens sounded the 'All Clear'。
＇4＇
THE languor of Youth … how unique and quintessential it is！ How quickly； how irrecoverably； lost！ The zest； the generous affections； the illusions； the despair； all the traditional attributes of Youth … all save this … e and go with us through life。 These things are a part of life itself； but languor … the relaxation of yet unwearied sinews； the mind sequestered and self…regarding that belongs to Youth alone and dies with it。 Perhaps in the mansions of Limbo the heroes enjoy some such pensation for their loss of the Beatific Vision； perhaps the Beatific Vision itself has some remote kinship with this lowly experience； I； at any rate； believed myself very near heaven； during those languid days at Brideshead。
'Why is this house called a 〃Castle〃？'
'It used to be one until they moved it。'
'What can you mean？'
'Just that。 We had a castle a mile away； down by the village。 Then we took a fancy to the valley and。 pulled the castle down； carted the stones up here； and built a new house。 I'm glad they did； aren't you？'
'If it was mine I'd never live anywhere else。'
'But you sec。 Charles； it isn't mine。 Just at the moment it is； but usually it's full of ravening beasts。 If it could only be like this always … always summer； always alone； the fruit always ripe； and Aloysius in a good temper。。。'
It is thus I like to remember Sebastian； as he was that summer； when we wandered alone together through that enchanted palace； Sebastian in his wheel chair spinning down the box…edged walks of the kitchen gardens in search of alpine strawberries and warm figs； propelling himself through the succession of hothouses； from scent to scent and climate to climate； to cut the muscat grapes and choose orchids for our button…holes； Sebastian hobbling with a pantomime of difficulty to the old nurseries； sitting beside me on the threadbare； flowered carpet with the toy…cupboard empty about us and Nanny Hawkins stitching placently in the er； saying； 'You're one as bad as the other； a pair of children the two of you。 Is that what they teach you at College？' Sebastian supine on the sunny seat in the colonnade； as he was now； and I in a hard chair beside him； trying to draw the fountain。
'Is the dome by Inigo Jones； too？ It looks later。'
'Oh； Charles； don't be such a tourist。 What does it matter when it was built if it's pretty？'
'It's the sort of thing I like to know。'
'Oh dear； I thought I'd cured you of all that … the terrible Mr Collins。'
It was an aesthetic education to live within those walls； to wander from room to room； from the Soanesque library to the Chinese drawing； adazzle with gilt pagodas and nodding mandarins； painted paper and Chippendale fretwork； from the Pompeian parlour to the great tapestry…hung hall which stood unchanged； as it had been designed two hundred and fifty years before； to sit； hour after hour； in the shade looking out on the terrace。
This terrace was the final consummation of the house's plan； it stood on massive stone ramparts above the lakes； so that from the hall steps it seemed to overhang them； as though； standing by the balustrade； one could have dropped a pebble into the first of them immediately below one's feet。 It was embraced by the two arms of the colonnade； beyond the pavilions groves of lime led to the wooded hillsides。 Part of the terrace was paved； part planted with flower…beds and arabesques of dwarf box； taller box grew in a dense hedge； making a wide oval； cut into niches and interspersed with statuary； and； in the centre； dominating the； whole splendid space rose the fountain； such a fountain as one might expect to find in a piazza of southern Italy； such a fountain as was； indeed； found there a century ago by one of Sebasian's ancestors； found； purchased； imported； and re…erected in an alien but weling climate。
Sebastian set me to draw it。 It was an ambitious subject for an amateur … an oval basin with an island of sculptured rocks at its centre； on the rocks grew； in stone； formal tropical vegetation； and wild English fem in its natural fronds； through them ran a dozen streams that counterfeited springs； and round them sported fantastic tropical animals； camels and camelopards and an ebullient lion； all vomiting water； on the rocks； to the height of the pediment； stood an Egyptian obelisk of red sandstone … but； by some odd chance； for the thing was far beyond me； I brought it off and； by judicious omissions and some stylish tricks； produced a very passable echo of Piranesi。 'Shall I give it to your mother？' I asked。
'Why？ You don't know her。'
'It seems polite。 I'm staying in her house。'
'Give it to nanny；' said Sebastian。
I did so； and she put it among the collection on the top of her chest of drawers； remarking that it had quite a look of the thing； which she had often heard admired but could never see the beauty of； herself。
For me the beauty was new…found。
Since the days when； as a schoolboy； I used to bicycle round the neighbouring parishes； rubbing brasses and photographing fonts； I had nursed a love of architecture； but； though in opinion I had made that easy leap； characteristic of my generation； from the puritanism of Ruskin to the puritanism of Roger Fry； my sentiments at heart were insular and medieval。
This was my conversion to the Baroque。 Here under that high and insolent dome； under those coffered ceilings； here； as I passed through those arches and broken pediments to the pillared shade beyond and sat； hour by hour； before the fountain； probing its shadows； tracing its lingering echoes； rejoicing in all its clustered feats of daring and invention； I felt a whole new system of nerves alive within me； as though the water that spurted and bubbled among its stones； was indeed a life…giving spring。
One day in a cupboard we found a large japanned…tin box of oil…paints still in workable condition。
'Mummy bought them a year or two ago。 Someone told her that you could only appreciate the beauty of the world by trying to paint it。 We laughed at her a great deal about it。 She couldn't draw at all； and however bright； the colour were in the tubes； by the time mummy had mixed them up； they came out a kind of khaki。 Various dry； muddy smears on the palette confirmed this statement。 'Cordelia was… always made to wash the brushes。 In the end we all protested and made mummy stop。'
The paints gave us the idea of decorating the office； this was a small room opening on the colonnade； it had once been used for estate business； but was now derelict； holding only some garden games and a tub of dead aloes； it had plainly been designed for a softer use； perhaps as a tea…room or study； for the plaster walls were decorated with delicate Rococo panels and the roof was prettily groined。 Here； in one of the smaller oval frames； I sketched a romantic landscape； and in the days that followed filled it out in colour； and； by luck and the happy mood of the moment； made a success of it。 The brush seemed somehow to do what was wanted of it。 It was a landscape without figures； a summer scene of white cloud and blue distances； with an ivy…clad ruin in the foreground； rocks and a waterfall affording a rugged introduction to the receding parkland behind。 I knew little of oil…painting and learned its ways as I worked。 When； in a week； it was finished； Sebastian was eager for me to start on one of the larger panels。 I made some sketches。 He called for a f阾e champ阾re with a ribboned swing and a Negro page and a shepherd playing the pipes； but the thing languished。 I knew it was good chance t