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'Well； that's not a problem for you； is it？' Tears rolled down Rex's unwashed cheeks。 'Straight on to your next incarnation； eh？'
'It's not always as simple as that。'
'Simple as that？' Rex clutched at his knees； hysteria was taking over from mirth。
'Shut up buddy and that means you。'
Rex chewed upon his lip and tried to sober up。 'What a waste of time；' he said。
'I'm perplexed；' said Elvis Presley。
'We forgot about Gloria； chief；' came the voice from his head。 'Can't understand how we overlooked her。 Thought it was all sewn up。'
'We are all going to die；' moaned Dan。 'We're all doomed； doomed。'
'Yeah；' Rex agreed。 'Really stinks when it's your turn； doesn't it？'
'There's still time。 We could fly back to Nemesis。 Well； I could and once I was back there。。。' Two men were looking at him。 They were both shaking their heads。
'No？'
'Uh uh；' said Elvis。
Dan looked toward Rex。 'My dear boy； I appeal to you。' Rex shunned the snappy rejoinder。 Dan continued to speak； but through the medium of mental telepathy。 'e now； Rex； this is all a big mistake。 Why throw away your retirement； those two lovely ladies； all that sweet food and drink； all that luxury？ All for this foolhardiness。 You don't want to die； do you？ Such a stupid waste。'
Rex scratched at his stubble； he didn't want to die； this was true。
'Catch him off guard and off with his head。' Rex turned his gun between his fingers。 'Between the eyes？' he thought。
'No； not that； you would damage the。。。'
'The Time Sprout？'
'Exactly。 I deplore waste。 I could put that thing to great use。'
'I'll bet you could。'
'Snip； snap；' thought Dan。 'Time is running out。'
'Why don't you simply do your vanishing act； despatch your tulpa back to Nemesis？'
Dan's thoughts turned toward his nose。 Rex felt the twinge of pain。 'Fuck you；' thought Rex。
'Bravo； chief；' chortled the Time Sprout； who had been listening in upon the unspoken converse。 'Thought we'd lost you there for a moment。'
'No way；' said Rex Mundi。
Fergus Shaman picked his way across the precarious landscape。 It smelled about as bad as it looked。 He fanned at his nose； but that only seemed to make matters worse。 All in all Fergus wasn't a happy Phnaarg。 It was more than possible that even now his movements were being observed by the viewers of Phnaargos。 All wondering who this new character might be and indeed where the plot was leading。 They weren't alone in this latter thought； as it was very much to the fore in Fergus's mind。 What had started out as an inspired idea to boost the flagging ratings seemed now to be degenerating into chaos。 If only these morons would stick to the plot。 If only throughout their history they had done what was required of them they would all be living in Utopia now。 But Earthers never seemed to get it right。 They had been given the whole planet to play with and the end result was this。 It didn't say much for them as a race。 But perhaps it wasn't really their fault。 Perhaps it was some genetic cock…up； some in…built wish for destruction。 But possibly； and here a terrible thought entered Fergus's mind； possibly it was all the fault of Phnaargos。 Perhaps if the Earthers had just been left to get on with it； rather than being nudged along for the sake of good television； they might have done very nicely； thank you。
'No；' said Fergus； 'it wasn't our fault； not all this。' But it did seem a terrible shame； nonetheless。 But there was still time。 There was always still time。 In fact time was the key to the whole issue； and Fergus； who for reasons unknown even to himself now felt an awful sense of responsibility； was certain that there was still a chance to sort it all out。 The all but altruistic Phnaarg plodded on through the danger zone。 And finally； there ahead of him； sighted a little jewel in the bleak and corroded setting。 Rex's battered air car； parked close to a bunker door。
Fergus straightened his shoulders； thought positive and tripped flat on his face。
26
。。。 and now the book has e to me。 Through coincidence； through chance？ Forget about those； through fate。 My parents taught me aide English。 The archaic written word。 They changed all that after the NHE； an entire new alphabet； so no…one could read the truth about the past； I guess。 The terminal spoke and showed you the way。 We watched and learned and clocked up credits。 No other options。 Only the lord high terminal。 The new god。 He who gave or took away； depending how long you spent at your devotions before him。 So you worship in your shrine； your home； your tomb。 But I had the word。 The Logos。 I was the last； it had to be passed to me and it was。 I could confide in no…one。 Hardly Norma。 But then Rex was sent to us。 I studied and I studied and at last I began to piece it all together。 And I began to realize what I should be looking for and ultimately where it was to be found。 And in the mean time I played the fool； the mad uncle； until I could teach the boy。
The Suburban Book of the Dead
Macbeth hath murdered sleep。 Anon
I have done questionable things。 Roy； Nexus 6
Gabba Gabba Hey。 The Ramones
The silver spaceship still stood upon the upper deck； atop the spiral tower of Earthers Inc。 In it sat Mungo Madoc； he was picking his nose。 Before him screens displayed the current state of things。 Three men in a bunker。 One Phnaargian struggling to his feet。 A beautiful woman in a control room。 A curious vortex； which was probably just interference。 The doings in his own boardroom。 He would have to put a lock on that cigar box。 Mungo examined a fingertip； made a face and applied scented drops to a now upturned nostril。
'It won't do； will it？'
Mungo； alone of all Phnaargians； knew the speaker's voice。 The series' backers municated with only the station head。 And to him rarely。 'I hardly feel that I can be held directly responsible。'
'Oh； then perhaps you wish to step down from your position of responsibility。'
'I didn't say that exactly。'
'But it amounts to the same thing。 The buck stops with you。'
'I would have thought that ultimately it stops with you。'
'Oh； no。 It never does that。 Non…intervention is our policy。 This is the way it has always been。 Always will be。'
'Well； I hardly see how I can influence events。 We shall just have to see what Fergus Shaman does。'
'It might all prove to be somewhat academic。 You are aware； are you not； that the virus has now reached the twenty…first century？'
'Word has reached me； yes。'
'And it's gaining momentum。 If you can't halt the process then it will shortly reach the present。 And when it does。。。'
'When it does？ Yes？'
'Armageddon；' said the voice。 'But not the one you have planned。 You are going to need a veritable miracle this time。'
'Hellooooeeee；' called Fergus Shaman。 'Anybody in there？'
'I know that voice。'
'It's Mr Shaman； chief。'
'Who？'
Elvis turned to Rex。 'Fergus Shaman； the man from outer space； I told you about him。'
'And he's just popped by for a chat。 How sublimely opportune。'
Dan felt the hand of Christeen tweak his left testicle。 He wasn't going anywhere for the moment。
'Open up；' called Fergus。 'It's important； honestly。'
'Best let him in； chief。' Elvis cranked the turncock and swung open the bunker door。 Fergus stepped inside； grinning broadly。
'Hope I'm not intruding。'
'Not a bit of it；' Rex helped him through the hatch。 'We have about four minutes to kill before the bomb drops。 We've been playing a game called 〃I spy with my little eye〃； except we seem to have run out of expletives to describe Dan。'
'Just four minutes； here in the nick of time； eh？'
'I doubt it；' Rex replied。 'But if you have had any hand in all this； then I will take some pleasure in knowing that you perish along with us。'
'You have a ready wit upon you； young man。' Fergus hastily addressed himself to Elvis。 'Mr Presley；' he puffed。 'You really shouldn't be here； you know。 It really would be better for all concerned if you just went straight back to 1958 and dodged the draft。 As we suggested in the first place。'
'No way；' said the Big E； shaking his head vigorously。
'Easy there； chief；' howled the sprout。
'Can't you reason with him？' Fergus addressed the rear of Presley's head。 The sprout for once had nothing to say。
'I screwed up once already。 This time I gotta make it right。 I got me the Ant…eye…Christ here； for Chrissakes。 No offence to the Good Lord intended there。'
Fergus perused the bound lama。 'He's much smaller than he looks on TV；' he observed。
'But I ain't no frigging Antichrist。 You tell him。'
'Shut your mouth； fella。'
'Really； this is getting us nowhere。 Rex； what do you think？'
'Rex？' said Rex。 'I don't know you； do I？'
'But I know you。 All Phnaargos knows you。 You're a big star。'
'A big star？'
'A real crowdpleaser。 I shouldn't be saying this because we're probably on camera； but it would be a sad day if we were to lose you； Rex。'
'Butt out of here； Shaman。'
'No； hang about。 I want to hear more。 A big star； did you say？'
'I'll tell you everything； but not here。'
'Yes；' Dan agreed； 'this is all most interesting； we should go somewhere more fortable and discuss it。 My place； perhaps？'
'Button it； schmucko。'
'Well somewhere； and now。'
Elvis chewed upon his curly lip。 'We really should； chief；' his cerebral panion agreed。 'Or at least we should。'
Elvis dithered and dathered。 'I just don't know。' He just didn't know。
'Nuke them out；' said Gloria Mundi。
'But your brother； dear。'
Gloria paused。 'Bugger him。'
'But dear； blood is thicker than water and all that。 And if we are going to build a better world surely we must do it with passion。 Or we will be no better than。。。'
'Than men。'
'Exactly。'
'But we may never get as good a chance as this again。'
'But he is your brother； dear。 Flesh of your flesh。'
Gloria hung her beautiful head。 'You are right。 It would be murder。'
'Exactly； we must rule with love； care and feeling。'
'We must； we must。'
'Even if； when all is said； he is just another man。'
'Even if。'
'Representing； in microcosm； all men。'
'Even if。'
'All men with their shallowness； lust； greed and craving for power。'
'Even if。' This 'even if'； although looking the same as the previous 'even ifs'； had about it a more prolonged and thoughtful quality。
'Even if he did crap in our bidet。'
Gloria gave Ms Vrillium a very knowing look。
'I'll nuke them out then； shall I dear？'
'Best to； eh？' Gloria ran the intro。
Over the hills； but not a great way off； was another vast concrete pyramid。 It was the headquarters of number two in the Big Three。
L。 Ron Hubbard the twenty…third lounged on the fy rear…ends of a dozen nubile lady acolytes。 As with the previous twenty…two L。 Rons； who had gone before him to wherever it is those lads go to； this one was rotund and ruddy and bore a striking resemblance to the late and legendary Andy Divine。 Plumping himself upon those who were grateful for it； he nodded towards she whose job it was to work the controller。 And then he watched the wall screen with an eagerness which many might just have considered a smidgenet unhealthy。
And way up over on the other side of town； Pope Joan knelt alone in the viewing chapel of Vatican City。 Actually it wasn't really a city at all； just another dirty great concrete bunker； but city says something which bunker just can't seem to。 For Joan there were never any pleasures of the flesh。 Such were strictly proscribed。 To fall into such iniquity would be to fall from the true faith。 When you fall heir； or in her case heiress； to a legacy of pious turpitude； which includes within its holy ranks such exemplars as Pope Alexander VI and Innocent VIII； you have something to live up to。 Mind you； the weekly burnings were； as they had always been； something of a turn…on。 And although the Dalai wouldn't actually be broadcasting live from his bunker prison； the mere thought of his forthing immolation sent pure frissons of pleasure all around where the rosaries dangled。
She genuflected； whacked herself a couple of times across the