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'One day the whole world will know my name；' said Jovil Jspht。
'Very possibly； but few will be able to pronounce it。 Kindly manipulate your module。'
'This is the time
This is the place
The time to face
What the fates have in store
It's double or drop
Do or die
And here's the guy
We've all been waiting for
He's the man with the most
The heavenly host
The holiest ghost
In the cosmic drama
And here he is
The shah of showbiz
The Dalai。。。 Dalai。。。 Dalai
Dalai。。。 Lama。'
'A catchy little number； I think you will agree。' The musical director raised his violet mohawk from the keyboard and smiled hopefully towards Gloria Mundi。
'It's crap；' she replied； 'but I suppose it will have to do。'
'There's another verse。。。'
'Have the Lamarettes rehearse it and I'll get back to you later。' Gloria turned upon her seven…inch heel and strode off across the studio floor。 The musical director watched her depart。 Certain words formed upon his pale blue lips； but they are better left unrecorded。
The Nemesis studio was by far and away the most lavish that any the Big Three stations possessed。 Nemesis was the most successful gameshow in pre…recorded history。
The original formula had been conceived as long ago as the 1950s； possibly even earlier。 But it held together now as well as it ever did。 Take one charismatic host； several thinly…clad lovelies and a star prize。 Then add a never…ending stream of contestants； willing to debase themselves in the holy cause of avarice。 Stir well and serve weekly。
No matter what variations the whim of fashion dictated； the original formula never failed。 But with Nemesis it had been brought to its apotheosis。
Nemesis had its genesis in the closing years of the twentieth century。 These were pretty grim times； by any reckoning。 Toxic pollution had finally succeeded in dissolving the ozone layer； the natural barrier that shielded the planet from the adverse effects of the sun's ultra…violet rays。 This triggered some very unpleasant changes in the Earth's eco…system。 Crops failed and sun…bathing became a pastime for the suicidally inclined。 Doomsday looked very much to be on the cards。
Plans had existed for years to construct vast underground food and medico synthesisation plants。 But successive governments； daunted by the costs； had each in turn quietly shelved them。 Now； with public unrest running hand in hand with spiralling inflation； it was quite out of the question。
However； there is nothing like a good war or natural catastrophe to bring out the religion in people。 And while the governments were growing bankrupt； the major churches of the day suddenly found that they had standing room only and that their coffers； so long empty； now brimmed to overflowing。 Hence the underground plants； which synthesised food and medical products from waste and probed deeply into the Earth's core to tap new sources of mineral wealth； came to be built by the Big Three。
The Buddhists； the Fundamentalists and the Jesuits。
Of course； it's to be doubted whether these plants could possibly have supplied the needs of the Earth's continually increasing population。 So when the Nuclear Holocaust Event occurred； and production suddenly outstripped demand； many attributed this to the foresight of God。 And the Big Three； now sole suppliers of the world's needs； felt no need to contradict them。
The governments of the post…NHE world sought bravely to regain control； but found themselves in for some rather unpleasant surprises。 In Washington； Supreme mander North threw open the doors of the Nuclear Emergency Supply Silo to reveal a million cable…television sets。 Outgoing President Wormwood's legacy to the post…nuclear age。
In an attempt to restore the status quo； he called together every remaining member of the American Armed Forces。 The minutes of their meeting remain on record。 But what the thirteen men had to say to one another doesn't make for an entertaining read。
As a fully paid…up Buddhist； Supreme mander North wasn't slow to realize upon which side his syntha…bread was buttered。 A quick call on the hotline to Buddha Biological and the re…allocation of one million TV sets secured him the token position of President Elect for life。
For their part； the boys at Buddha； incapable of distributing a million TVs worldwide； struck up lucrative deals with Fundamental Foods and Jesuit Inc。 to dispose of two…thirds of their unexpected windfall。 Shortly thereafter； these found their way into the bunkers of the holocaust survivors。 And the rest is history。
The EYESPI modifications were added a few years later； 'In an attempt to raise standards and morale； offer incentive and engender healthy petition。' And petition； healthy or otherwise； was something that the Big Three； now each with its own TV station； had bee increasingly more involved in。 And it was the game show that became the hub of this petitive universe。
The Jesuits' Auto…da…fe show had its followers and the Fundamentalists' Whoops； There Goes an Atheist made a reasonable showing。 But it was Nemesis which really caught the public's imagination。
Hosted by the Living God King himself； and hailed by its PR department as the Ultimate Terminal Experience； it was gameshow magic in the grand tradition。 And often a great deal more。
Gloria Mundi pushed her way between the females who milled about the studio floor； mounted a short flight of steps and entered the Green Room。 Here； in a somewhat soiled saffron three…piece； sat the golden boy himself。
Dalai Dan was looking a little the worst for wear。 With difficulty he focused upon Gloria； his bloodshot orbs speaking eloquently enough of the previous night's revels； without going into any of the sordid details。
'You look like death；' Gloria observed。 'Been burning the temple candle at both ends again？'
'Piss off；' said the Dalai Lama； 'I'm meditating。'
'I would have thought you'd had enough warnings。 You can't carry on like this。'
Dan stroked his shaven head。 It needed a shave。 'Go fly a kite。'
'Tope Joan's ratings are up again。 You're slipping。'
'I recall ordering a Tampa Sunrise；' He picked a nubbin of wax from his left ear。
'No more drinkies； you're on in five minutes。'
Dan turned the ball of wax between thumb and forefinger。 'Drink not only water； but take a little wine； for thy stomach's sake。'
'Wrong denomination； dear。' Gloria seated herself； across from the hungover holyman。 Dan's eyes wandered as she crossed her impossibly long legs。 She was painfully attractive。 Tall； sleek； elegant and quite deadly。 The kind of woman that left all but the most heroic of men drooling hungrily from a safe distance。 Her skin was toned a soft powder blue； a perfect match for her eyes。 Her black hair tumbled away to a waist； about which the thumb and forefingers of God's most favoured might almost meet。 The remaining portions of her body all conformed to the unreasonable standards set for the heroine of some sword and sorcery novel。
'You are a prize schmuck；' said Gloria Mundi。
Dan pulled his eyes away from her legs。 'I never chose to bee the Dalai Lama； you know；' he said with some bitterness。 'It's a burden rather than a pleasure。 But I'm the real McCoy； and I would thank you to show a little respect once in a while。'
'Respect has to be earned；' Gloria replied； as the phrase has always been a favourite amongst women。 'The winning couple from last week are here。 Don't you think you should speak to them？'
'What for？ We aren't thinking of letting them survive another week； are we？'
Gloria shook her beautiful head。 'Do you remember your eighty…second reincarnation？'
Dan made a thoughtful face。 'Vaguely； that's when I had to do a runner from the Red Chinese； wasn't it？' Gloria nodded。 'I remember wearing foolish glasses and giggling a lot； and；' Dan turned his third eye upon Gloria； 'I remember that the Maharishi got all the best girls。'
'I've got you on video； you used to talk a lot of sense back then。'
'What are you getting at？'
'What I'm getting at； as if you don't know； is that even in exile you were worshipped by millions as the Living God King。'
'I still am。'
'You had responsibilities。 You still have。'
'Oh； very funny。 The one hundred and fifty…third incarnation I might be； God's chosen representative on Earth I might be； but a cabbage I ain't。 If you wish me to fulfil my responsibilities then allow me to go into spiritual retreat for about thirty years。'
'Duty then； you have a duty to the station。'
Dan closed his eyes and drew his trousered legs into a full lotus。 He began to hum gently and before Gloria's eyes； slowly levitated towards the ceiling。 It was a spectacle Gloria had witnessed before； but this made it no less unnerving。
'I'll talk to the winning couple myself；' she said； making a rapid departure from the Green Room。
She slammed the door and stalked back across the studio floor。 As she approached the winning couple she was further distressed to find that the Dalai was already with them。 He raised his Tampa Sunrise to her and smiled sweetly。 'Gloria；' he said； 'what kept you？ Not been talking to yourself again I hope？'
And a rose smells sweetly when it's growing in manure。 Ivor Biggun
Back on Phnaargos the Time Sprout was holding court。
'Sixteenth generation； eobiont engram modification；' the wily veg explained； 'utilising the transperambulation of pseudo…cosmic anti…matter。'
'The what？' asked Mungo Madoc。
'Curve of space；' said the sprout。 'Time doesn't travel in straight lines。 I thought everyone knew that。'
Executive heads bobbed up and down。 'Yes； indeedy；' said Diogenes 'Dermof Darbo。
'Well； it's the first I've heard of it；' said Mungo。
'You see time doesn't really exist； it's an illusion。 Relative of course。'
'Oh。 Of course。' Mungo turned to face Fergus Shaman。 'Fergus； if this is a practical joke； I shall not be responsible for my actions。'
'Could be ventriloquism；' Garstang suggested。 'An uncle of mine had a singing turnip。 Went distinctly quiet once the old bloke had kicked the bucket。'
'Yes； yes！' Mungo beat upon the table with his fists。 'My patience is not inexhaustible。'
'When you're all quite finished；' the sprout bobbed up and down； 'I will gladly enlarge upon any concepts that you might find。。。 trying。'
'He has a certain eloquence；' said Lavinius Wisten。 'I like that in a sprout。'
Mungo Madoc made digging motions with an ethereal post shovel。 'The floor is yours；' he told the loquacious veg。
'Well；' said the sprout； 'I'll keep it brief； it's all to do with the microcosm and the macrocosm。 As above； so below； that sort of stuff。 The infinite atom； the sprout； the planet； the sun； all spheres you see。 You are all； no doubt； conversant with Phnaargian dogma； that the entire universe is nothing more than a pimple upon the nose of the deity。'
All present； barring the sprout； made the sacred sign； pinching their thumbs and forefingers to the tips of their noses。
'Then you will no doubt wish to expedite matters before the great one chooses to lance his boil。'
'Point taken；' said Mungo。 'We need waste no more time regarding the mechanics。 Can you； with accuracy； convey a member of our team back to an exact location； at an exact time； on Earth？'
'A piece of peat。 Although there may be one or two minor biological problems for the traveller acpanying。'
'Ah；' Mungo nodded meaningfully。 'Now this does surprise me。'
'Ironic extrapolations are quite wasted upon me。 I merely state fact。 The Phnaargian isn't designed to travel through time。 He's the wrong shape for one thing。 He will 〃pick things up〃 as he travels along。'
'What？ Like germs； do you mean？'
'Knowledge；' said the sprout。 'We will be travelling at the speed of thought。 So therefore on the same wavelength。 He'll pick it all up； centuries of it。 The accumulated knowledge of every intelligent being in the galaxy； that has ever lived； possibly even ever will live。'
'So when do we leave？' Mungo asked。 'Best get off； eh？'
'Slow down； the man who takes the trip and picks up all this knowledge will bee。。。'
'Godlike；' said Mungo