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大一后；我搬至马塞尔；碰巧它的样式和希特勒暗堡同出一辙。
in fact； if hitler had conducted the war from mother house； he would have shot himself a year earlier。
saved us a lot of trouble。（哄堂大笑）
说真的；当年希特勒如果是从马塞尔发动战争；那他定会早死一年；那要减少多少灾难啊。
1985 seems like a long time ago now。
when i had my class day； you students would have been seven years old。
1985年距今似乎是很久远的了；那年我在这儿上学；你们不过只有七岁。
seven years old！
you realize what that means？
七岁；你们知道那意味着什么？
back then i could have beaten any of you in a fight。
and i mean really badly。
如回到当年；你们任何一个都打不过我。（大笑）
我的意思是真的烦透了。
like no contest at all。
if anyone here has a time machine； seriously； i will kick your seven_year_old butt right now。
我强调的是；就像根本没有争斗一样；如有人有个时间机器，我就可以打他们七岁时的屁股了。
a lot has happened in 15 years though。
when you think about it； we come from completely different worlds。
十五年间多少风云变幻；你们什么时候想过，我们是来自完全不同的世界的人。
when i graduated in 1985； we watched movies starring tom cruise and listened to music by madonna。
i come from a time when we huddled around the tv set and watched the cosby show on nbc； never imagining that there would one day be a show called cosby on cbs。
1985年就是我毕业的那年；我们观看了汤姆克鲁斯的电影；听过了麦当娜的歌曲。在那个年代里；我们曾挤在一块看美国广播电视网上cosby节目而从未想过有一天也能上cbs。
in 1985 we drove cars with drivers_side air bags。
1985年我们带着司机挎包驾驶着汽车。
but if you had told us that one day there would be passenger_side air bags； wed have burned you for witchcraft。
但你们告诉我如果有一天将会有乘客挎包的话，我们会认为你是在骗人。
of course i think there is some common ground between us。
我想我们之间会有一些共同的体验。
i remember well the great uncertainty of this day； the anxiety
那日的不确定与焦虑仍记忆犹新。
many of you are justifiably nervous about leaving the safe； comfortable world of harvard yard and hurling yourself headlong into the cold； harsh world of harvard grad school； a plum job in your fathers firm； or a year abroad with a gold amex card and then a plum job at your father's firm。
你们当中的许多人正担心就要离开这安全舒适的哈佛大院而挤入冰冷恶劣的哈佛研究生院，或者去你父亲公司或是去干令人头痛的差使，或拿一张amex金卡到外逗留一年，然后又回来继续干你父亲公司的令人头痛的差使。
let me assure you that the knowledge you gained here at harvard is a precious gift that will never leave you。
我敢向你们保证说从哈佛所学的知识是你们永远的珍贵的财富。
take it from me； your education is yours to keep forever。
从我的经历来说；接受教育就是维系生计。
why； many of you have read the merchant of florence； and that will inspire you when you travel to the island of spain
为何这样说？你们当中不少人看过《佛罗伦萨商人》这本书；当你去西班牙旅行时，它将激发你灵感。
theres also sadness today。 a feeling of loss that youre leaving harvard forever。
今天亦是一个悲伤与失落的日子。一种将永远离开哈佛的念头弥漫在你们的脑海。
let me assure you that you never really leave harvard。
让我告诉你们；你们绝不会真正的离开哈佛。
the harvard fundraising committee will be on your ass until the day you die。
哈佛筹款委员会将永远属于你们。（哄堂大笑）
this is true。
i know for a fact that right now a member of the alumni association is at the mount auburn cemetery shaking down the corpse of henry adams。
这点千真万确。我目前获悉有一名校友会的会员正在奥布公墓将亨利·亚当斯的骨灰撒落在地。
they heard he has a brass toe ring and they aim to get it。
他们听说他的脚趾头有一个黄铜戒指；便想得到它。
these people just raised 2。5 billion and they only got through the bs in the alumni directory。
他们刚筹到25亿美元；拿到了理学士学位。
heres basically how it works。
这就是他们干的勾当。
your phone rings； usually after a big meal when youre tired and most vulnerable； and a voice asks you for money。
当你疲惫不堪之时；你刚享用完一顿丰盛的美餐；突然电话铃响；有人要你捐款。
knowing…youve read in the paper…that they just raised 2。5 billion； you ask； 〃what do you need it for？〃
你已经从报纸上得知他们刚筹得25亿美元；便问；〃你们要钱干嘛？〃
there is a long pause； and the voice on the other end of the line says； 〃we dont need it； we just want it。〃 （sinister laugh）。
沉默了许久之后；对方才答道；〃我们不需要；可就是想要。〃（满堂大笑）
let me see…by your applause…who here wrote a thesis？
thats nice。
让我来借你们的掌声之际看一下；谁在这儿写论文？真不错。
a lot of hard work went into that thesis。
and no one is ever going to care。
那篇论文很难作；可没有人理会。
i wrote a thesis…this is true； i dont lie…〃literary progeria in the works of flannery oconnor and william faulkner。〃
说真的；我也曾写过一篇论文；题为〃佛兰讷奥康与威廉福克纳的早衰文学〃。
lets just say that during my discussions with pauly shore； it doesnt come up much。
在我和保卢斯萧的讨论期间；并没有什么大事。
for three years after graduation i wanted to show it to everyone； and so i kept my thesis in the glove compartment of my car； so that i could show it to a policeman in case i was pulled over。
在毕业后的三年间；我想把它送给任何人看；因此我把它放在搁手套的汽车小箱子里；以防在违反了交通规则时把它呈现给警察。
what else can you expect in the real world？ let me tell you。
as you leave these gates and re_enter society； one thing is certain。
在这个现实的世界里你还能期望什么？让我来告诉你；一旦你离开校门走进社会；有一件事是确定的。
everyone out there is going to hate you。
never tell anyone in a roadside diner that you went to harvard。
局外人将会恨你。不要在路边用餐时告诉别人你上过哈佛。
in those situations； the correct response to； 〃where did you go to school？〃 is 〃school？
i never had much in the way of book learning and such。〃
对于〃你上过什么学校？〃的正确回答便是；〃学校？我从未涉及书本或过深学术。〃
and then get in your bmw and get the hell out of there。
然后，谈谈宝马汽车公司并就此摆脱困境。
you see； kids； youre in for a lifetime of 〃and you went to harvard？〃
你瞧；你们一生都被〃你上过哈佛吗？〃这个问题所困扰着。
acomidentally give the wrong amount of change in a transaction； and its 〃and you went to harvard？〃
偶然间；你不防来个错位也问一下，〃你也上过哈佛吗？〃
ask at the hardware store how the jumper cables work； and hear 〃and you went to harvard？〃 forget just once that your underwear goes inside your pants； and its 〃and you went to harvard？〃
在这个讲求能力的社会，忘记曾经从表及里的困扰着你的〃你也上过哈佛吗？〃而应问其他人这个问题，〃你也上过哈佛吗？〃
so you really know whats in store for you after harvard； i have to tell you what happened to me after graduation。
im going to tell it simply； im going to tell it honestly； because； first of all； i think my perspective may give many of you hope； and； secondly； its such a cool； amazing rush to be in front of 6；000 people and just talk about yourself。
我想我得告诉大家我毕业后所发生的一切，当你离开哈佛时，你就会真正意识到何谓社会。我将简单明了、真实可信的告诉你们。因为，首先我想把我的观点灌输给大家。其次，令人惊愕地出现在6000人面前，诉说关于自己的故事，实在是件cool毕的事情。
its just great。
its so cool。
and i can take my time。
太棒了，酷极了；并且我胸有成竹。
you see； kids； after graduating in may； i moved to los angeles。
你们知道，五月份毕业后，我搬到了洛杉矶。
i got a three_week contract at a small cable show。
我与一次小规模电缆表演活动签定了三个月的受雇佣合同。
i got a 380_a_month apartment； a terrible dump； and i bought a 1977 isuzu opal； a car isuzu only manufactured for a year because they found out that technically its not a car。
在那儿，我租了间每月380 美元 的公寓，简直就是垃圾堆。我还买了辆1977年产的isuzu『乳』白『色』轿车，名为isuzu，其意是出厂后一年，他们觉得在工艺上它根本算不上是轿车。
quick tip； graduates…no four_cylinder used vehicle should have a racing stripe。
毕业生们，我说，一辆四冲程的汽车不应该有传送带的。
so i worked on that show for about a year； feeling pretty good about myself；
因此，我在那儿工作了一年，并自我感觉良好。
when one day they told me that they were letting me go。
i was fired。
i hadnt saved any money。
直到有一天他们告诉我要辞退我。
我被解雇了，身无分文。
so i tried to get another job in television as best i could and couldnt find one。
因此我尽力在电视界找份工作，但没找着。
so with nowhere else to turn_true story…i went to a temp agency and filled out a questionnaire。
无奈之余，我到了一家临时机构填了份表格。
i made damn sure that they knew i had been to harvard； that i had written this thesis； and that i expected the very best treatment。
我深信他们定知我上过哈佛，写过一篇论文，期望从他们那儿得到高薪。
and so the next day i was sent to the santa monica branch of wilsons house of suede and leather。
第二天我被派到威尔森。
when you have a harvard degree； and you are working at wilsons house of suede and leather； you are haunted by the ghostly images of your classmates who chose graduate school。
当你获得哈佛学位，却得整天工作在威尔森分部，你的那些选择上研究生院的同班同学的身影使你心烦意『乱』。
you see their faces everywhere…in coffee cups； in fish tanks； you think youre going crazy； and theyre always laughing at you as you stack suede shirts no man in good conscience would ever wear。
你到处见到他们，你认为他们是疯了。
你却在兜售一大堆稍有理智的人根本不穿的小山羊皮，并遭到他们的嘲笑。
i tried a lot of things during this period。
这期间，我尽力作了很多事情。
acting in corporate infomercials。
在股份制公司打过杂。
serving drinks in a non equity theater。
在非股份制剧院兜售饮料。
i even took a job entertaining at a seven year_olds birthday party。
我甚至为一个七岁小孩的生日聚会去增添欢乐的气氛。
in desperate need of work； i put together some sketches and scored a job at the fledgling fox network as a writer and performer for a brainy show called the 〃wilton north report。〃
在求职心切之下，我收集一些素描并在一家名叫雏鸟的网站兼任编辑与表演。
i was finally on a network and really excited。
最终我挤进了电视广播界，这让我兴奋不已。
the producer told me the show was going to revolutionize television。
制作人告诉我这个节目将根本『性』地改进电视业界，并且确实如此。
and； in a way it did。
the show was so hated and did so badly that when four weeks later news of its cancellation was announced to the fox affiliates； they burst into spontaneous applause。
这个节目遭到一些人的反感，四周后取消节目的禁令到达〃飞狐〃摄制组，他们发出了不由自主的喝彩。
eventually； though； i got a big break。
然而，最后，我被〃停业整顿〃了好一阵子。
i had submitted along with my writing partner a batch of sketches to saturday night live； and after a year and a half they read it； and they gave us a two_week tryout。
我和写作伙伴将一批图画交给〃生龙活虎〃星期六节目组，他们给了我两个星期的假期。
the two weeks turned into two seasons； and i felt； hey； this is sucomess； im sucomessful now。
我感觉，这两个星期就如两个季节一样的愉快，这就是成功，我成功了，它如此之大，连电视导播的稿子都要我来写。
sucomessful enough to write a tv pilot for an original sitcom。
when the network decided to make it； feeling good； i left saturday night live。
而在工作组感觉不错，决心将蛋糕做得更大时，我离开了〃生动周六之夜〃节目组。
this tv show was going to be groundbreaking。
这个节目将会是奠基『性』的。
it was going to resurrect the career of tvs batman； adam west。
它将让巴特曼亚当威斯特重返江湖。
it was going to be a comedy without a laugh track or a studio audience。
它是没有一丝笑声没有一个观众的喜剧。
it was going to change all the