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he had left them simply to avoid work。 Now he was being paid not to work in them…which suited him； he had never thought that their charms were enhanced …by plowing and getting them all dusty。
The 〃soil bank〃 payments took care of the mortgage； and his retired pay left a tidy sum over； so he hired a man to do those chqres a farm requires even though it is not being worked for a crop…feed the chickens； milk a cow or two； tend a vegetable garden and some fruit trees； repair fences… while the hired man's wife helped David's wife with the house。 For himself； David bought a hammock。
But David was not a harsh employer。 He suspected that cows did not want to be waked at five in the morning any more than he did…and he undertook to find out。
He learned that cows would happily change their circadian to more reasonable hours； given the chance。 They had to be milked twice a day； they were bred for that。 But nine o'clock in the morning suited them for a first milking quite as well as five； as long as it was regular。
But it did not stay that way； Dave's hired man had the nervous habit of work。 To him there was something sinful in milking a cow that late。 So David let him have his way； and hired man and cows went back to their old habits。
As for Dave； he strung that hammock between two shade trees and put a table by it to hold a frosty drink。 He would get up in the morning when he woke； whether it was nine or noon； eat breakfast； then walk slowly to his hammock to rest up for lunch。 The hardest work he did was endorsing checks for deposit； and； once a month； balancing his wife's checkbook。 He quit wearing shoes。 …
He did not take a newspaper or listen to radio； he figured that the Navy would let him know if another war broke out
…and another did break out about the time he started this routine。 But the Navy had no need for retired admirals。 Dave paid little attention to that war； it was depressing。 Instead； he read everything the state library had on ancient Greece and bought books about it。 It was a soothing subject； one he had always wanted to know more about。
Each year； on Navy Day； he got all spruced up and dressed as an admiral； with all his medals； from the Good Conduct
medal of an enlisted man to the one for bravery under fire that had made him an admiral…let his hired man drive him to the county seat and there addressed a luncheon of the Chamber of merce on some patriotic subject。 Ira； I don't know why he did this。 Perhaps it was noblesse oblige。 Or it may have been his odd sense of humor。 But each year they invited him； each year he accepted。 His neighbors were proud of him； he was the epitome of Local Boy Makes Good…then es home and lives as his neighbors lived。 His success brought credit to them all。 They liked it that he was still just 〃home folks〃…and if they noticed that he never did a lick Of work；' nobody mentioned it。
I've skipped lightly over Dave's career； Ira； had to。 I haven't mentioned the automatic pilot he thought up； then had developed years later when he w~s in a position to get such things done。 Nor the overhaul he made of the duties of the crew of a flying boat…except to say now that it was to get more done with less effort while leaving the mand pilot with nothing to do save to stay alert…or to snore on his copilot's arm if the situation did not require his alertness。 He made changes in instruments and controls； too； when at last he found himself？in charge of development for all Navy patrol planes。
Let it go with this~ I don't think Dave thought of himself as an 〃efficiency expert〃 but every job he ever held he simplified。 His successor always had less work to do than his predecessor。
That his successor usually reorganized the job again to make three times as much any subordinates…says little about Dave's oddity other than by contrast。 Some people are ants by nature； they have to work； even when it's useless。 Few people have a talent for constructive laziness。
So ends the Tale of the Man Who Was Too Lazy to Fail。 Let's leave him there； in his hammock under the shade trees。 So far as I know； he is still there。
VARIATIONS ON A THEME
III
第11节
Domestic Problems
〃After more than two thousand years； Lazarus？〃
〃Why not； Ira？ Dave was my age； near enough as not to matter。 I'm still here。〃~'
〃Yes； but… Was David Lamb a member of the Families？ Under another name？ There is no 'Lamb' in the lists。〃
〃I never asked； Ira。 Nor did he ever offer me a passwor~d。 In those days a member kept the fact to himself。 Or； if he was； Dave might not have known it； si1~ce he left home so young and so abruptly。 Back …then a youngster wasn't told until he or she was old enough to think about marriage。 Eighteen for boys； usually； and sixteen for girls。 Reminds inc what a shock it was when I was told…at less than eighteen。 By Gramp； because I was about to do something foolish。 Son； one of the weirdest things about the human animal is that it grows up physically years and years before its brain grows up。 I was seventeen； young and horny and wanted to get married the worst way。 Gramp took me out behind the barn and convinced me that it was indeed the worst way。
'〃Woodie；' he said； 'if you want to elope with this girl； nobody will stop you。'
〃I told him belligerently that nobody could stop me； because just over the state line I could swing it without my parents' consent。
〃'That's what I'm telling you；' he said。 'Nobody will stop you。 But nobody will help you。 Not your parents； nor your other grandparents…nor me。 Not a one of us will even stake you to the price of a marriage license； much less help you sup… port a wife。 Not a dollar； Woodie； not a thin dime。 If you don't believe me； ask any of them。'
〃I said sullenly that I didn't want any help。
〃Gramp had bushy eyebrows； they shot up。 'Well； well；' he said。 'Is she going to support you？ Have you looked at the 〃Help Wanted〃 in the paper lately？ If not； be sure to do so。 And glance at the financial section while you're about it； read…
ing 〃Help Wanted〃 ads won't take you more than thirty seconds。' He added； 'Oh； you ciii find a job peddling suck brqoms from door to door on mission。 Which will give you fresh air； healthy exercise； and an opportunity to demonstrate your charm； of which you don't … have much。 But you； won't sell vacuum cleaners； nobody is buying。'
〃Ira； I didn't know what he was talking about。 This was January； 1930。 Does that date mean anything to you？〃
〃I'm afraid not； Lazarus。 Despite much study of the Families' history； I have to convert those earlier dates into Galactic Standard in order to feel them。〃 …
〃Don't know as it would be mentioned in the Families' records； Ira。 The country…well； the whole pla…had just taken a plunge into an economic fluctuation。 'Depressions；' they called 'em。 There were no jobs to be had…at least not for a smart…alec youngster who didn't know anything useful。 Which Gramp realized； having been through… several of these swings。 But not me。 I Was sure I could grab the world by the tail and swing it over my shoulder。 What I didn't know was that graduate engineers were taking jobs as janitors and lawyers were driving milk wagons。 And ex…milhionaires were jumping out windows。 But I was too busy sniffing after girls to notice。〃
〃Senior； I've read about economic depressions。 But I've never understood what caused them。〃
Lazarus Long went tsk…tsk。 〃And yet you are in charge of a whore pla。〃
'Perhaps I shouldn't be；〃 I admitted。
〃Don't be so confounded humble。 I'll let you in on a secret：
At that time nobody knew what caused' them。 Even the Howard Foundation might have gone broke had not Ira Howard left firm ifistructions about how the fund must be handled。 On the other hand； everybody； right down to street sweepers and professors of economics； was certain they knew both causes and cures。 So almost every remedy was tried…and none worked。 That depression continued until the country blundered into a war…which didn't cure what was wrong； it just masked the symptoms with a high fever。〃
〃Well 。 。 what was wrong； Grandfather？〃 I persisted。
〃Do I look smart enough to … answer that； Ira？ I've gone broke many times。 Sometimes financially； sometimes through abandoning my baggage to save my skin。 Urn。 Be durned if I'll offer any fancy explanations but…what happens when you control machinery by positive feedback？〃 …
I was startled。 〃Fm not sure I understand you； Lazarus； One doesn't control machinery by positive feedback…at least' I can't think of a case。 Positive feedback will cause any system to oscillate out of control。〃
〃Go to the head of the class。 Ira； I'm suspicious of arguments by analogy…but from what I've seen over the centuries； there doesn't seem to be anything that a government can do to an economy that does not act as positive feedback； or as a brake。 Or both。 Maybe someday； somewhere； someone smart as Andy Libby will figure out a way to tinker with the Law of Supply and Demand to make it work better； instead of letting it go 'its own cruel way。 Maybe。 But I've never seen it。 Though God knows everybody has tried。 Always with the best of intentions。
〃Good intentions are no substitute for knowing how a buzz saw works； Ira； the worst criminals in history have been loaded with good intentions。 But you got me sidetracked into making a speech when I was telling you hcw I happened not to get married。〃
〃Sorry； Grandfather。〃
〃Hummpht Can't you be rude occasionally？ rm a garrulous old man who has crowded you into wasting time listening to trivia。 You ought to resent it。〃
I grinned at him。 〃So I resent it。 You are a garrulous old man who demands that I cater to your every whim 。 。 and I am a very busy man with serious matters worrying me and you've wasted half a aay of my time telling me a yarn… pure fiction； I feel certain…about a man who was so lazy he always succeeded。 Intended to irritate me； I think。 When you implied that this fictional character was a long…lifer； you evaded a simple question about it and started talking about your grandfather。 This…Admiral Ram； you ~said？…was he redheaded？〃
〃'Lamb；' Ira…'Donald Lamb。' Or was that his brother？ It's been a long time。 Odd that you should ask about his hair
…as that reminds me of another naval officer in that same war who was just the opposite of…Donald？ No； 'David。' Just the opposite of David in every respect save that tIe had hair so red that Loki would have been proud of it。 Tried to choke a Kodiak bear to death。 Didn't work of course。 It doesn't seem possible that you've ever seen a Kodiak bear； Ira。
〃The fiercest carnivore that ~im ever spawned； and Outweighed a man ten to one。 Claws' like scimitars； long yellow teeth； bad breath…and a worse disposition。 Yet Lafe tackled
him with bare hands。。。； and mind you； when he had no need
…to。 I would have faded over the horizon。 Want'to hear about Lafe and the bear and the Alaskan salmon？〃
〃Not now。 It sounds like another whopper。。。You were telling
…me why you didn't get married。〃
〃So I was。 Gramp had just asked me； 'Well； Woodie； how long has she been pregnant？'〃
〃No； he was explaining that you couldn't support a wife。〃
〃Son；… if you know this story； you tell it to me。 I emphatically denied any such thing…to which Gramp replied that I lied in my teeth… because that was the only reason a seventeenyear…old boy ever wanted to get married。 His answer i~iade me especially angry because I had a note in my pocket reading：
〃'Woodsie dearest… You have knocked me up and all is Chaos。'
〃Gramp persisted； and I deni？d it three times； getting angrier and angrier； se骾ng as how it was true。 Finally he 'says； 'Okay； you've just been holding hands。 Has she shown you ~ pregnancy test report； signed by a doctor？ … … …
〃Ira； I accidentally … told the truth。 'Why； no；' I admitted。
〃'All right；' he said。