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opinion； for I set no value on it； but that you may prehend； when
you think of your dear friend and his dear wife； what I mean by hating。
Shall I give you something I have written and put by for your perusal；
or shall I hold my hand？'
Arthur begged her to give it to him。 She went to the bureau； unlocked
it； and took from an inner drawer a few folded sheets of paper。 Without
any conciliation of him； scarcely addressing him； rather speaking as if
she were speaking to her own looking…glass for the justification of her
own stubbornness； she said； as she gave them to him：
'Now you may know what I mean by hating！ No more of that。 Sir； whether
you find me temporarily and cheaply lodging in an empty London house； or
in a Calais apartment； you find Harriet with me。 You may like to see
her before you leave。 Harriet； e in！' She called Harriet again。 The
second call produced Harriet； once Tattycoram。
'Here is Mr Clennam；' said Miss Wade； 'not e for you； he has given
you up；……I suppose you have； by this time？'
'Having no authority； or influence……yes；' assented Clennam。
'Not e in search of you； you see； but still seeking some one。 He
wants that Blandois man。'
'With whom I saw you in the Strand in London；' hinted Arthur。 'If you
know anything of him； Harriet； except that he came from Venice……which
we all know……tell it to Mr Clennam freely。' 'I know nothing more about
him；' said the girl。
'Are you satisfied？' Miss Wade inquired of Arthur。
He had no reason to disbelieve them； the girl's manner being so natural
as to be almost convincing； if he had had any previous doubts。 He
replied； 'I must seek for intelligence elsewhere。'
He was not going in the same breath； but he had risen before the girl
entered； and she evidently thought he ；
and said：
'Are they well； sir？'
'Who？'
She stopped herself in saying what would have been 'all of them；'
glanced at Miss Wade； and said 'Mr and Mrs Meagles。'
'They were； when I last heard of them。 They are not at home。 By the way；
let me ask you。 Is it true that you were seen there？'
'Where？ Where does any one say I was seen？' returned the girl； sullenly
casting down her eyes。
'Looking in at the garden gate of the cottage。'
'No；' said Miss Wade。 'She has never been near it。'
'You are wrong； then；' said the girl。 'I went down there the last time
we were in London。 I went one afternoon when you left me alone。 And I
did look in。'
'You poor…spirited girl；' returned Miss Wade with infinite contempt；
'does all our panionship； do all our conversations； do all your old
plainings； tell for so little as that？'
'There was no harm in looking in at the gate for an instant；' said the
girl。 'I saw by the windows that the family were not there。'
'Why should you go near the place？'
'Because I wanted to see it。 Because I felt that I should like to look
at it again。'
As each of the two handsome faces looked at the other； Clennam felt how
each of the two natures must be constantly tearing the other to pieces。
'Oh！' said Miss Wade； coldly subduing and removing her glance； 'if you
had any desire to see the place where you led the life from which I
rescued you because you had found out what it was； that is another
thing。 But is that your truth to me？ Is that your fidelity to me？ Is
that the mon cause I make with you？ You are not worth the confidence
I have placed in you。 You are not worth the favour I have shown you。 You
are no higher than a spaniel； and had better go back to the people who
did worse than whip you。'
'If you speak so of them with any one else by to hear； you'll provoke me
to take their part；' said the girl。
'Go back to them；' Miss Wade retorted。 'Go back to them。'
'You know very well；' retorted Harriet in her turn； 'that I won't go
back to them。 You know very well that I have thrown them off； and never
can； never shall； never will； go back to them。 Let them alone； then；
Miss Wade。'
'You prefer their plenty to your less fat living here；' she rejoined。
'You exalt them； and slight me。 What else should I have expected？ I
ought to have known it。'
'It's not so；' said the girl； flushing high； 'and you don't say what you
mean。 I know what you mean。 You are reproaching me； underhanded； with
having nobody but you to look to。 And because I have nobody but you
to look to； you think you are to make me do； or not do； everything you
please； and are to put any affront upon me。 You are as bad as they were；
every bit。 But I ade submissive。 I will
say again that I went to look at the house； because I had often thought
that I should like to see it once more。 I will ask again how they are；
because I once liked them and at times thought they were kind to me。'
Hereupon Clennam said that he was sure they would still receive her
kindly； if she should ever desire to return。
'Never！' said the girl passionately。 'I shall never do that。 Nobody
knows that better than Miss Wade； though she taunts me because she has
made me her dependent。 And I know I am so； and I know she is overjoyed
when she can bring it to my mind。'
'A good pretence！' said Miss Wade； with no less anger； haughtiness； and
bitterness； 'but too threadbare to cover what I plainly see in this。 My
poverty will not bear petition with their money。 Better go back at
once； better go back at once； and have done with it！'
Arthur Clennam looked at them； standing a little distance asunder in the
dull confined room； each proudly cherishing her own anger； each； with
a fixed determination； torturing her own breast； and torturing the
other's。 He said a word or two of leave…taking； but Miss Wade barely
inclined her head； and Harriet； with the assumed humiliation of an
abject dependent and serf （but not without defiance for all that）； made
as if she were too low to notice or to be noticed。
He came down the dark winding stairs into the yard with an increased
sense upon him of the gloom of the wall that was dead； and of the shrubs
that were dead； and of the fountain that was dry； and of the statue that
was gone。 Pondering much on what he had seen and heard in that house；
as well as on the failure of all his efforts to trace the suspicious
character who was lost； he returned to London and to England by the
packet that had taken him over。 On the way he unfolded the sheets of
paper； and read in them what is reproduced in the next chapter。
CHAPTER 21。 The History of a Self…Tormentor
I have the misfortune of not being a fool。 From a very early age I have
detected what those about me thought they hid from me。 If I could have
been habitually imposed upon； instead of habitually discerning the
truth； I might have lived as smoothly as most fools do。
My childhood was passed with a grandmother； that is to say； with a lady
who represented that relative to me； and who took that title on herself。
She had no claim to it； but I……being to that extent a little fool……had
no suspicion of her。 She had some children of her own family in her
house； and some children of other people。 All girls； ten in number；
including me。 We all lived together and were educated together。
I must have been about twelve years old when I began to see how
determinedly those girls patronised me。 I was told I was an orphan。
There was no other orphan among us； and I perceived （here was the
first disadvantage of not being a fool） that they conciliated me in an
insolent pity； and in a sense of superiority。 I did not set this down
as a discovery； rashly。 I tried them often。 I could hardly make them
quarrel with me。 When I succeeded with any of them； they were sure to
e after an hour or two； and begin a reconciliation。 I tried them over
and over again； and I never knew them wait for me to begin。 They were
always forgiving me； in their vanity and condescension。 Little images of
grown people！
One of them was my chosen friend。 I loved that stupid mite in a
passionate way that she could no more deserve than I can remember
without feeling ashamed of； though I was but a child。 She had what they
called an amiable temper； an affectionate temper。 She could distribute；
and did distribute pretty looks and smiles to every one among them。 I
believe there was not a soul in the place； except myself； who knew that
she did it purposely to wound and gall me！
Nevertheless； I so loved that unworthy girl that my life was made stormy
by my fondness for her。 I was constantly lectured and disgraced for what
was called 'trying her；' in other words charging her with her little
perfidy and throwing her into tears by showing her that I read her
heart。 However； I loved her faithfully； and one time I went home with
her for the holidays。
She was worse at home than she had been at school。 She had a crowd of
cousins and acquaintances； and we had dances at her house； and went out
to dances at other houses； and； both at home and out； she tormented my
love beyond endurance。 Her plan was； to make them all fond of her……and
so drive me wild with jealousy。 To be familiar and endearing with them
all……and so make me mad with envying them。 When we were left alone in
our bedroom at night； I would reproach her with my perfect knowledge of
her baseness； and then she would cry and cry and say I was cruel； and
then I would hold her in my arms till morning： loving her as much as
ever； and often feeling as if； rather than suffer so； I could so hold
her in my arms and plunge to the bottom of a river……where I would still
hold her after we were both dead。
It came to an end； and I was relieved。 In the family there was an aunt
who was not fond of me。 I doubt if any of the family liked me much； but
I never wanted them to like me； being altogether bound up in the one
girl。 The aunt was a young woman； and she had a serious way with her
eyes of watching me。 She was an audacious woman； and openly looked
passionately at me。 After one of the nights that I have spoken of； I
came down into a greenhouse before breakfast。 Charlotte （the name of
my false young friend） had gone down before me； and I heard this aunt
speaking to her about me as I entered。 I stopped where I was； among the
leaves； and listened。
The aunt said； 'Charlotte； Miss Wade is wearing you to death； and this
must not continue。' I repeat the very words I heard。
Now； what did she answer？ Did she say； 'It is I who am wearing her to
death； I who am keeping her on a rack and am the executioner； yet she
tells me every night that she loves me devotedly； though she knows what
I make her undergo？' No； my first memorable experience was true to
what I knew her to be； and to all my experience。 She began sobbing and
weeping （to secure the aunt's sympathy to herself）； and said； 'Dear
aunt； she has an unhappy temper； other girls at school； besides I； try
hard to make it better； we all try hard。'
Upon that the aunt fondled her； as if she had said something noble
instead of despicable and false； and kept up the infamous pretence by
replying； 'But there are reasonable limits； my dear love； to everything；
and I see that this poor miserable girl causes you more constant and
useless distress than even so good an effort justifies。'
The poor miserable girl came out of her concealment； as you may be
prepared to hear； and said； 'Send me home。' I never said another word
to either of them； or to any of them； but 'Send me home； or I will
walk home alone； night and day！' When I got home； I told my supposed
grandmother that； unless I was sent away to finish my education
somewhere else before that girl came back； or before any one of them
came back； I would burn my sight away by throwing myself into the fire；
rather than I would endure to look at their plotting faces。
I went among young women next； and I found them no better。 Fair
words and fair pretences； but I perated below those assertions of
themselves and depreciations of me； and they were no better。 Before
I left them； I learned that I had no grandmother and no recognised
relation。 I carried the light of that information both into my past
and into my future。 It showed me many new occasions on which people
triumphed over me； when they made a pretence of treating me with
consideration； or doing me a service。
A man of business had a small property in trust for me。 I