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ly by two thin layers of cotton。 The concrete wall was rough and cool against his back。 The noise of the club was a dull subliminal roar far away。
He suddenly wondered why in hell he was doing this。
The question was jarring。 It made him realize that since the moment he'd said yeah； but and Calvin had stopped his mouth with a kiss； he hadn't had a single thought in his head。 Not for Trevor； not for himself； not for anything but his own damned mindless pleasure。 Zach knew he had often used sex like a drug。 But until now； he'd never consciously known that he used it to make himself stop thinking。
The shame of that knowledge washed over him like a caustic wave。 But on its crest came a second realization。 Being with Trevor didn't make him feel that way； didn't short…circuit his thought processes or cut off his emotions。 When they made love Zach's perceptions intensified and his consciousness seemed to expand。 Before； fucking had always been like slamming a door on the world。 With Trevor it was like opening a thousand doors。
And that meant he wasn't getting anything here that he couldn't get a thousand times better at home。
Zach felt a pang of regret as he broke the kiss and pushed Calvin away。 Calvin was what he used to think of as a sweet catch； a beautiful bad boy with a guitar； and in the old days Zach would have loved to take an all…night tour of Calvin's personal heavens and hells。
But whether he liked it or not； those days were gone for him。 He couldn't do this to Trevor。 Furthermore； he didn't even want to。
〃Sorry；〃 he said。 〃I can't。〃
〃Sure you can。〃 Calvin tried to push back against him。 His eyes were wild； his breath ing fast。 He was obviously horny to the point of pain； and Zach felt for him。 But there were plenty of adorable boys out there； fairly stewing in their own juices。 A handsome blond guitarist could take his pick。
〃No。 I can't。 I'm with somebody； and you knew damn well I was。〃
〃Hey…〃 Calvin twitched one shoulder in the most insouciant of shrugs； but his eyes were hurt。 〃Saw you lookin'； was all。 Just tryin' to show the new kid a little hometown hospitality。〃
〃I know I was looking。 'Course I was。 You're gorgeous。〃 Calvin's eyes softened a little。 〃But I'm with Trevor； okay？ We're solid。 I love him。〃
Calvin sniffed。 〃You fall in love pretty fast； don't you？〃
〃Not really。 It took me nineteen years。〃
〃Aren't you scared he'll freak out and murder you in your sleep？〃
Zach laughed。 〃No。 If Trevor decides to kill me； he'll make sure I'm awake for it。〃
Calvin considered this dubiously。 〃Whatever；〃 he said at last。 〃You wanna kiss me one more time？〃
〃Yes；〃 Zach told him honestly。 〃But I'm not gonna。〃
He ducked under Calvin's arm and left the guitarist staring after him。 As he fumbled his way back along the hall； the noise and the energy of the club grew stronger with every step he took。 He felt the invisible thread of his lover pulling him； drawing him。
Zach had done plenty of things he was proud of： survived on his own since he was fourteen； hacked his way into systems that no one else could crack； bailed his friends out of jail and wiped their records clean。
All of that was fine。 But he couldn't remember the last time a decision not to do something had made him feel so good。
〃I sold a story to Taboo！〃 Trevor shouted over the din of the bar。
Kinsey's slightly harassed expression became an enormous grin。 〃That's great！ Have a Coke！ Hell； have two Cokes！〃 He slapped them down on the bar in front of Trevor； then held up an apologetic hand and hurried away to serve the customers lining up for beer。 Trevor pulled a five…dollar bill out of his pocket and dropped it into the tip jar while Kinsey's back was turned。
Zach had given him a wad of cash this morning。 Just in case you need anything in town； he'd said； pressing it into Trevor's hand。 When Trevor protested the amount…over a hundred dollars…Zach only looked disgusted。 Money is just stuff you trade for things that you want； he had told Trevor with the air of a person explaining that two plus two equals four。 When you need more； you get it。 It may not grow on trees； but accessing a bank account is a hell of a lot easier than climbing a tree。
Trevor looked around the crowded bar； but saw no sign of Zach。 Probably he was still backstage getting stoned with the band。 Trevor didn't think Zach would mind if he joined them。 To his own surprise； he was actually beginning to develop a taste for pot。 Possibly because it was such a vital ponent of Zach's body chemistry。 But maybe； Trevor thought； he was also ready to start altering his consciousness instead of just exaggerating it。
He grabbed his two Cokes and started making his way back toward the stage。 Halfway 〃there； he passed Calvin going the other way。 Trevor just nodded； but Calvin reached out and stopped him； put his hands on Trevor's shoulders and leaned in to speak loudly in Trevor's ear。 〃You've got a real sweet boyfriend。 He sure does love you。 Better hang on to him。〃
Then he was gone into the crowd。 What was that all about？ Trevor wondered。 But Calvin had fucked with his head enough。 He didn't care what the guitarist thought of him。 Terry and R。J。 were better musicians anyway。 Calvin's playing had plenty of glitter and flash； but none of their Southern soul。
Trevor let himself into the dressing room and Zach was there； bare…chested； sleek as a seal； resplendent； taking a long toke on a fat； fragrant joint。 The room was already crowded with friends of the band； but Zach saw Trevor right away。 He held the smoke in his lungs as he passed the joint； crossed the room； put his lips against Trevor's； and exhaled a long； steady stream of smoke into Trevor's mouth。 A shotgun。
Trevor abandoned his Cokes and ran his hands down the curve of Zach's spine。 His fingertips came away slick with sweat。 He touched them to his mouth； tasted salt。
〃Do you want to go somewhere？〃 Zach whispered in his ear。 Trevor nodded。 Zach pulled him through the door； along a dark passageway； into a tiny； ill…lit bathroom。 They slammed the door and leaned against it； groping and squeezing and clawing at each other； kissing madly。 Then Trevor was kneeling on the hard cement floor； licking Zach's stomach； using his teeth to pull down the leggings； gripping Zach's hipbones like handles。
It only took about ninety seconds。 〃Oh Trev；〃 Zach gasped as he came； 〃oh god I needed that； thank you； thank you 。 。 。〃
〃Sure。〃 Trevor wiped his mouth on the back of his hand。 〃Can't be a real rock star without a backstage blowjob。〃
Someone knocked。
Trevor felt Zach's body stiffen。 He got to his feet。 Zach tugged his leggings up and backed away from the door。 〃Who is it？〃
〃Us；〃 said a chorus of sheepish voices。
Zach opened the door。 Terry； his girlfriend Victoria； R。J。； and Calvin were standing just outside looking embarrassed。 〃Sorry；〃 said Calvin； 〃but the break's almost over and we thought you might want some of these。〃 He held out a plastic bag half full of mushrooms。 They were pale brown streaked with iridescent blue…the psilocybin…and gave off a crumbling earthy smell。
Trevor saw Zach's hand start to reach forward； then he paused and looked uncertainly back at Trevor。 〃I like mushrooms a lot。 Have you ever done 'em？〃
Trevor shook his head。
〃Well 。 。 。 they'd give you plenty of ideas； that's for sure。〃 Zach stared at Trevor； then back at the bag。 〃Can I have some for later？〃 he asked。
Calvin pulled the bag back。 〃You can buy some。 I'm not giving them away if you're not gonna do 'em with us。〃
Zach's eyes met Calvin's。 Though these two probably were attracted to each other； Trevor realized； that wasn't exactly what was going on between them。 It was rather that they understood each other as any creatures of the same species will； especially if it is a dangerous species。
〃Okay。〃 Zach pulled out a handful of twenties。 〃How much？〃
〃Well 。。。 oh； fuck it。〃 Terry； R。J。； and Victoria had all started staring at Calvin reproachfully as soon as he mentioned money。 〃I don't care。 Just take a handful。〃
Zach was nearly laughing as he reached into the bag。 〃Thanks； Calvin。 That's real nice of you。〃 Their eyes were shooting silver daggers at each other； but on another level they seemed to be positively enjoying the exchange。 Trevor had spent the past two days diving into Zach's character like an unfamiliar river； eager to let it flow over him； to let its current carry him along。 Now he was beginning to realize that it had secret tributaries and strange deep pools he might never fathom。
Zach wrapped his mushrooms in a twist of toilet paper and gave them to Trevor to hold。 Trevor stowed the little bundle deep in his pocket； then wiped his fingers on his shirt。 He wasn't at all sure he wanted to eat those nasty…looking things。 Bobby had liked his hallucinogens； Trevor knew； but gave them up soon after he stopped drawing。 And Crumb had done all sorts of drugs； though he claimed in a recent ics Journal interview that they had affected his draftsmanship。
But what had Trevor thought earlier？ Hyping his consciousness with caffeine had helped him prowl around the edges of his past； but he had not yet penetrated to the heart of it。 Maybe it was time to start altering his brain； laying open his very cells。 Maybe then he would know enough so that he could leave with Zach； if Zach had to go。
Gumbo kicked off the second set with a thrash…tempo version of the old Cajun song 〃Paper in My Shoe。〃 Zach shouted what lyrics he knew over a pileup of guitar and drum noise and made up the rest； grinning between the rapid…fire lines。 He had never been able to stand Cajun music when he lived in New Orleans。 But singing this song here in this club was like going home again。
The crowd was dancing hard。 From the stage they looked like nothing but a seething； bobbing mass of heads； waving hands； blissed…out faces。 Zach noticed that the beautiful red…haired boy was still at front and center； but he had switched his attention to Calvin。 The guitarist kept making eye contact with the boy； playing to him。 The boy was dancing so hard that his white shirt had gone transparent with sweat。 Zach could see the pink points of his nipples through the drenched cotton。
See； Zach felt like telling Calvin； you're a knockout； you have drugs； you play guitar in a hot band。 You couldn't go home alone tonight if you wanted to。
They eased into another jam； this one slow； dark； and nasty。 The V…neck of the boy's shirt had slipped down； exposing one pale shoulder。 Several girls in front were wearing skimpy tank tops； and as they danced their slender arms swayed in the air like branches。 Zach found himself thinking about skin。 It could be a fabulously erotic substance； smooth under the hands； salty against the tongue。 Its color could inspire hatred。 It could be flayed and tanned。
He gripped the microphone； leaned forward until his lips were almost touching it。 〃Dressin' up at night in his suit of skin 。 。 。 Cured her ribs in the barn 。 。 。 Fried up her heart in a skillet 。 。 。 Put her ole hands in a jar 。 。 。〃
He caught Trevor laughing in the audience； eyes squeezed shut； mouth wide open： a pletely unself…conscious moment。 Zach let his lips brush the mike。 〃Ooooh Ed；〃 he moaned； 〃what'd you do with her head？〃
The kids loved it。 Zach hung on the mike stand； threw in a few sultry bars of 〃Summertime。〃 Gonna spread your wings； take to the sky 。 。 。
Too soon they came to the last song。 Zach threw himself into it hard； ended up on his knees clutching the mike； howling into it； forcing every bit of air from his lungs； reaching deep into his soul for those blues。 Who knew when he would sing for an audience again？ He had to make this time good enough to last。
Then it was over。 He was backstage； listening to the roar of the crowd through the thin wall。 Terry； R。J。； and Calvin were slapping his back； congratulating him； assuring him of a gig if he decided to stick around town。 After they got high again； the others went out to start packing up their equipment； and Zach found Trevor standing alone at the edge of the crowd。
They lingered in the bar for a while。 Soon the other band members drifted