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older； but also a plete and total dickhead。 Could he tell？ Did he
sense it？ Should I tell him？ No； no need to get into it with him
when it was so insignificant。 It wasn’t like I was admitting to
being interested in some other guy； not like I would actually ever
act on it。 So there was nothing to gain by mentioning the
conversation at all。
“Hey there； fashion girl；” Lily slurred； waving her gin and tonic
toward me in a salute。 Some of it splashed down the front of her
cardigan； but she didn’t seem to notice。 “Or should I say； future
roomie？ Get a drink。 We need to have a toast！” It came out sounding
like “toath。”
I kissed Alex and sat down next to him。
“Don’t you look hot today！” he said； eyeing my Prada outfit
appreciatively。 “When did this happen？”
“Oh； today。 Right around the time it was all but spelled out that if
I didn’t fix my look I might not have a job anymore。 Pretty
insulting stuff； but I have to say； if you’ve got to put something
on every day； this stuff isn’t half bad。
“Hey； listen； guys。 I’m really； really sorry I’m late。 The Book took
forever tonight； and as soon as I dropped it off at Miranda’s she
had me run to the corner deli and pick up some basil。”
“I thought you said she had a cook；” Alex pointed out。 “Why couldn’t
he do it？”
“She does indeed have a cook。 She also has a housekeeper； a nanny；
and two children。 So I have no idea why I was the one sent out for
dinner spices。 It was especially annoying since Fifth Avenue doesn’t
have any corner delis； and neither does Madison or Park； so I had to
go all the way to Lex to find one。 But； of course； they didn’t sell
basil； so I had to walk up nine blocks until I found an open
D’Agostino’s。 It took me an extra forty…five minutes。 I should just
expense a fucking spice rack and start traveling with it wherever I
go。 But let me tell you； those were a really； really worthwhile
forty…five minutes！ I mean； think of how much I learned shopping for
that basil； how better prepared I am for my future in magazines！ I’m
on the fast track to being an editor now！” I flashed a winning
smile。
“To your future！” Lily cried； not detecting a single hint of sarcasm
in my diatribe。
“She’s so far gone；” Alex said quietly； watching Lily with the look
of someone watching a sick relative sleep in a hospital bed。 “I got
here on time with Max； who already left； but she must’ve been here
for hours already。 Either that； or she drinks really fast。”
Lily had always been a big drinker； but it wasn’t weird； because
Lily was a big everything。 She was the first one to smoke pot in
junior high and the first one to lose her virginity in high school
and the first to go skydiving in college。 She loved anyone and
anything that didn’t love her back； so long as it made herfeel
alive。
“I just don’t understand how you can sleep with him when you know
he’s never going to break up with his girlfriend；” I’d said about a
guy she’d been secretly seeing our junior year。
“I just don’t understand how you can play by so many rules；” she’d
shot back instantly。 “Where’s the fun in all your perfectly planned；
mapped…out； rule…filled life？ Live a little； Andy！ Feel something！
It’s good to be alive！”
Maybe she had been drinking a little more lately； but I knew that
her first…year studies were incredibly stressful； even for her； and
that her professors at Columbia were more demanding and less
understanding than the ones she’d had wrapped around her finger at
Brown。It might not be a bad idea； I thought； signaling to the
waitress。 Maybe drinking was the way to handle it。 I ordered an
Absolut and grapefruit juice and took a long； deep swig。 It made me
feel more sick than anything； because I still hadn’t had time to eat
anything except the raisins and the Diet Coke Emily had scraped
together for me earlier that day。
“I’m sure she’s just had a rough couple of weeks in school；” I said
to Alex as though Lily weren’t sitting with us。 She didn’t notice we
were talking about her because she was preoccupied giving some
yuppie guy at the bar heavy…lidded； e…hither looks。 Alex put his
arm around me and I snuggled closer on the couch。 It felt so good to
be near him again—it seemed like it had been weeks。
“I hate to be a buzz…kill； but I really have to get Home；” Alex
said； pushing my hair back behind my ear。 “Will you be OK with her？”
“You have to leave？ Already？”
“Already？ Andy； I’ve been here watching your best friend drink for
the past two hours。 I came to see you； but you weren’t here。 And now
it’s almost midnight； and I still have essays to correct。” He said
it calmly； but I could see that he was upset。
“I know； I’m sorry about that； I really am。 You know that I would’ve
been there if I could’ve helped it at all。 You know that—”
“I do know all that。 I’m not saying you did anything wrong or that
you could’ve done anything differently。 I understand。 But try to
understand where I’m ing from； too； OK？”
I nodded and kissed him； but I felt awful。 I pledged to make it up
to him； to pick a night and plan something really special for just
the two of us。 He did； after all； put up with a lot from me。
“So； you won’t even stay over tonight？” I asked hopefully。
“Not unless you need help with Lily。 I really need to get Home and
work on those papers。” He hugged me good…bye； kissed Lily on the
cheek； and headed toward the door。 “Call me if you need me；” he said
as he walked out。
“Hey； why’d Alex leave？” Lily asked； even though she’d been sitting
there through the entire conversation。 “Is he mad at you？”
“Probably；” I sighed； hugging my canvas messenger bag to my chest。
“I’ve been a shit to him lately。” I went to the bar to ask for an
appetizer menu and by the time I came back； the Wall Street guy had
curled up on the couch next to Lily。 He looked to be in his late
twenties； but his receding hairline made it impossible to know for
sure。
I grabbed her coat and tossed it at her。 “Lily； put that on。 We’re
leaving；” I said while looking at him。 He was on the shorter side；
and his pleated khakis didn’t help his pudgy figure。 And the fact
that his tongue was now two inches from my best friend’s ear didn’t
make me like him any more。
“Hey； what’s the rush？” he asked in a whiny； nasal voice。 “Your
friend and I are just getting to know each other。” Lily grinned and
nodded； trying to take a gulp from her drink but not realizing her
glass was empty。
“Well； that’s very sweet； but it’s time for us to go。 What’s your
name？”
“Stuart。”
“Nice to meet you； Stuart。 Why don’t you give Lily here your number
and she can give you a call when she’s feeling a little better—or
not。 How does that sound？” I flashed him a smile。
“Uh； whatever。 No worries。 I’ll catch you guys later。” He was on his
feet and headed to the bar so fast that Lily hadn’t yet noticed he’d
left。
“Stuart and I are getting to know each other； aren’t we； Stu？” She
turned to the place where he had sat and looked confused。
“Stuart had to run； Lil。 e on； let’s get out of here。”
I pulled her drab green peacoat on over her sweater and yanked her
to her feet； where she swayed precariously until she regained her
balance。 The air outside was searing and cold and I figured it’d
help her sober up。
“I don’t feel so good。” She was slurring again。
“I know； sweetie； I know。 Let’s get a cab back to your apartment；
OK？ Do you think you can make it？”
She nodded and then leaned over very casually and threw up。 All over
her brown boots； with some of it splashing up the sides of her
jeans。If only the Runwaygirls could see my best friend now。 I
couldn’t help thinking。
I sat her down on a window ledge that looked reasonably like it
wouldn’t have an alarm and ordered her not to move。 There was a
twenty…four…hour bodega right across the street； and this girl
clearly needed some water。 When I got back； she’d thrown up
again—this time all down her front—and her eyes looked droopy。 I’d
bought two bottles of Poland Spring； one for her to drink and one
for cleaning； but she was too gross now。 I dumped one all over her
feet to wash away the sick； and half of the second one over her
coat。 Better to be soaking wet than covered in puke。 She was so
drunk she didn’t even notice。
It took a little persuading to get a cabbie to let us in with Lily
looking in such bad shape； but I promised a really big tip on top of
what was sure to be a really big fare。 We were going from the Lower
East Side to the far Upper West； and I was already figuring out a
way to expense what was sure to be a twenty…dollar ride。 I could
probably just write it off as a trip I had to make in search of
something for Miranda。 Yes； that would work。
The trip to her fourth…floor walk…up was even less fun than the cab；
but she’d bee more cooperative after the twenty…five…minute ride；
and she even managed to wash herself in the shower after I’d
undressed her。 I pointed her in the direction of her bed and watched
as she collapsed face…down when her knees hit the box spring。 I
looked down at her； unconscious； and was momentarily nostalgic for
college； for all the things we’d done together then。 It was fun now；
no question； but it would never again be as carefree as then。
I briefly wondered if Lily might be drinking too much these days。
After all； she did seem to be drunk pretty consistently。 But when
Alex had brought it up the week before； I’d assured him it was
because she was still a student； still not living in the real world
with real； adult responsibilities （like pouring the perfect
Pellegrino！）。 I mean； it’s not like we hadn’t together done too many
shots at Señ；or Frog’s on spring break or too ambitiously worked our
way through three bottles of red wine while celebrating the
anniversary of the day we’d first met in eighth grade。 Lily had held
my hair back as I sat with my face resting on the toilet seat after
a postfinals binge； and pulled over four times once while driving me
back to my dorm after a night that had included eight rum and Cokes
and a particularly horrid karaoke rendition of “Every Rose Has Its
Thorn。” I’d dragged her back to my apartment on the night of her
twenty…first birthday and tucked her into my bed； checking her
breathing every ten minutes； and finally fell asleep on the floor
next to her after I’d made sure she’d live through the night。 She
had awakened twice that night。 The first time was to throw up over
the side of the bed—making a sincere effort to make it into the
garbage can I’d set up beside it but getting confused and vomiting
down the side of my wall instead—and once more to apologize
sincerely and tell me she loved me and I was the best friend a girl
could have。 That’s what friends did： they got drunk together and did
stupid things and looked out for one another； right？ Or was that all
just college fun； rites of passage that had a time and a place？ Alex
had insisted that this was different； thatshe was different； but I
just didn’t see it that way。
I knew I should’ve stayed with her tonight； but it was nearly two
and I had to be at work in five hours。 My clothes smelled of vomit
and there was no way I could find a single appropriate piece of
clothing